Trying to discern

What in the hell it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm waiting on God, but I just don't know how much initiative I'm supposed to take! It's so frustrating to be in this valley. I don't feel at all welcome in this house anymore.  I don't want to allow that feeling to pervade my very life and I refuse to let it. 
I want to do something. Anything. But, I don't want to act without knowing what I'm acting on is the right thing. It seems like so much of what I do is one mistake after another. 

I truly truly know it's time for me to go. Now I just wait until the right place comes along to move to. I wouldn't mind being on my own. At least I won't have to 'creep' around hoping I don't insult anyone...or disturb anyone. I don't understand what happened to our happiness around here. Was that just one more mistake I made? Assuming there was happiness here?? Perhaps. And, I certainly do not understand not wanting to 'make a big deal' out of becoming a citizen of the United States. People have fought, died, sold their entire existences to get here to be free. Tell those folks it's 'no big deal.' Tell those Jews who escaped Germany...Happy Yom Kippor by the way...Tell Jerry who floated naked across the Rio Grande and rode in the back of a closed truck for two days it's 'no big deal.' Great. The fact that you can be making the money you make on a daily basis. Would that happen in Peru? But, it's 'no big deal.' Whatever.  I should have went to Tampa with damn Saiid when he became a citizen to witness someone receiving this special gift. He was so excited...But, now, I live with a couple of commies who think it's all for them. Whatever...

As for another huge mistake I made...I imagined, when Flor bought this house, that I'd have a home forever. I should have known better. Nobody but NOBODY gets something for nothing. Nothing handed to them. Nothing that's worth anything comes easy, does it? I guess I'm just a little, just a little, panic stricken right now being at this ridiculous age that creeped up on me, alone, newly retired and unwelcome. It's just one of those things that you think will never happen to YOU. Like your brother ripping off your mother's estate. Like never hearing from the ass again. Like being left by your mother. Like being repeatedly sexually assaulted by a family friend. Like being exhausted of self esteem. Like not being able to have a successful relationship or marriage or child rearing. Chalk it up. It all means something.