Retirement...

So, now. Apparently, I am retired. Went through the Fresh Market debacle, and losing the unemployment because of the Fresh Market debacle, interviewed for eligibility for Carroll's SS and got it. I thought I would honor up over the VA pension, but decided that NO I am not going to do that. That damn Navy helped to kill him and for what it's worth, I lost any financial help I could've ever received from him alive and working. 
Speaking of Carroll, I miss him sometimes. I wonder how our life would've been had he 'got clean' and what and where we'd be now. Sometimes the loneliness I feel is so suffocating. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I suppose that because my life has changed once again, in a drastic way, that contributes to the feeling of loneliness. I keep wishing I had a man in my life. Just a companion. Someone to do things with. Solo sucks and my grandson just has other interests which, of course, also helps with the guilt trip I feel because I could be spending all my free time with him and helping to mold him into a good person but I seem to rather be alone. I feel like I am hiding half the time. How did I get to this place of no home of my own, no job, no man, no future excitement? That was always my whole life...and now it's gone and I must find a way to be excited about the life God has given me and to just trust Him that He does indeed have a purpose for me that has as yet been uncovered or revealed. I guess I really do have to get this arrest bullshit wrapped up in order to be truly free and then take it from there. 
So I can look down the road and have a laugh or two, here is my 'man' desire. I would love him to be tall with a full head of hair and good teeth, real or otherwise. Not like that wanna be 'biker' guy who wanted a slim girl...and had bad dentures...Ok top to bottom. Tall. 6'2 plus. Stocky or big but not fat. Full head of hair. Easy to look at. LOVES GOD. Has a happy disposition always. Rides a motorcycle. Intelligent. Likes classical music and rock and roll!! Non smoker, lite drinker, tattooed with longish hair. 
I thought I might have met a good guy on CL again. Was/is a boatbuilder, likes boats, seems to like motorcycles, but, maybe he doesn't want a big girl either although he is a big guy...Whatever.