New Year's Eve 2021. I should be the happiest woman on earth! Saved, loved, beautiful family, grandkids...yet depression is the name of the game. I think much of this is covid related. I cannot believe how things have changed so very drastically and not in a good way. BUT, I feel something of a revival in the air so HOPE is not all lost. NYE in Times Square full of face masks and thin crowds. I hate this world and I'm glad it's not my final destination. But, I am depressed with a sadness that I cannot rectify or explain. I'm afraid to party. I'm afraid to talk to people...So different from how things were but God doesn't want me like this either. What to do? Mood lifted bigly at the beach. I have got to live on the beach. If I'm ever going to up and create a moving mess, it's got to be to be back on the beach. That place makes me feel peaceful. I also wish I had a companion. A helper. Someone who would care for me and take care of me and help me. Not in this life I imagine...Let's see what the coming year brings.
Three days in...Sept 14, 2021
I am amazed at the difference in me. So far so good. I take one capsule in the morning, suck on a lozenge in the afternoon and smoke some good flower at bedtime and I've been a different person. Calmer, gentler, clearer. I'm happy about this. I'm happy I've figured a 'routine' out that keeps my days calm. This has been a lifelong struggle to find that balance and calm. God is my anchor. He anchors my heart and my mind to Him regardless but it sure would be nice to be able to enjoy this gift of life a little easier and with full joy, as it should be. And, for that, I am grateful...
I finally decided I was done with anxiety, depression and annoying nerve pain so I called...MedRxDoctors. Process went smoothly without any bumps. Paid $245 to them, $70 to Florida health dept. Had a face to face with Dr. Thrasher this past Wednesday September 8th 2021. Cool guy. Slammed the C-4 diagnosis right on and told me there is help to ease that pain. I was excited. I was also tired of just buying pot so I could sleep, not ever knowing what strain you're getting or how it was grown, hopefully free of garbage fertilizers. So, with the State of Florida, quality and purity are high on the list. I wanted relief not just being stoned. I want to learn how to use what's available to control my own health. I have descended strictly into the Marijuana for health route and want to discover every part of this miraculous plant that has been stymied for so long due to the greed and corruption of the Pharmaceutical industry. I got tired of bringing an issue or complaint to the primary physician only to have them write scripts for powerful medicine I don't want to take.
So, here we are. I went for my first dispensary visit yesterday. Although I've been there before, now that it was for me, I felt like a kid in a candy store. My girl was knowledgeable and was well versed in following the doctor's suggestions of what might work best for me. We talked about what might be the best delivery method for me and I settled on trying a transdermal patch, getting a jug of 10 count losenzes and an eighth of top shelf indica flower for sleep. Oh, and the capsules. The capsules...I took ONE after leaving Muv and came home to mow the lawn. I mowed the entire lawn with NO pain. Yes, it was hot. Yes, I took breaks but NO pain!!! I was pretty thrilled over that! I took another one this morning. I am really loving the calm easy feel of me. I am not high. Just relaxed and comfortable. Means the world to me.
I'm tired of 'self-medicating' Let's see how we can manage this now.
August 10th. First day of school.
I was never a fan of the end of summer and kids back to school thing...and now it's with my grandkids. I wish they were still in SCS but Flor's point was a good one. They are still elementary at this age. When the kids reach middle school and high school, that's where the "bad eggs" (If there is such a thing with children and NOT with the parents that raise them...) appear. So, the best and ultimate best I can do is cling them to Jesus.
Coming to an end of a week long stay with my Grands. I already am starting to cry even though Summer is NOT yet over and we still have a week left to spend together.
I love these kids so much...Even the challenges are welcome as they are ways for me to learn how to respond and handle adversity in a controlled manner. I don't always do so well. I lose patience and become frustrated but always 'check myself' quickly and apologize for my craziness...Babies appreciate that and me. And I them, for that and for so much more. The entertainment they provide is amazing. They are so precious and so spontaneous and so much fun!! I'm so thankful and grateful that I've had this time to spend with them. I am so grateful and so thankful that I can freely spend this time with them without any worries and we make everything so much fun regardless!!!
Bowling has been a blast and we will continue on with Gramma joining the fun shortly now that I'm under the care of so many professionals working to relieve my nerve pain so I can 'carry on' with some normalcy. As long as I'm in good enough condition to make my time and effort work with the kids I'm all set...
So, here...Friday. July 30th. Our last weekend of July and the beginning of a new month. I don't know what the future will bring but I will meet it with expectation and excitement!! As long as that future includes these kids and my family, I AM ALL SET.
I hope God knows my heart in all of this since He has put all of this in there Himself...I love you Father and I thank you for this blessing...
Here we are. Almost a year later and what a friggin trip it's been. The country has descended into a chaotic liberal fascist garbage state that feels like we're holding on by a string. Who knows what the fake news is feeding you? BOTH SIDES. Liars, thieves, and other assorted dead souls. If you don't have God these days? You. Have. Nothing. Good luck. Get a clue. Get God. Live and be free...
I have come to the end of a month with my babies and I cannot...cannot...thank God enough for this experience. I love these kids with all my not-understanding-the-depth-of-this-love heart. My patience level is mesmerizing. Our communication is simply amazing...I talk more about God with these guys who UNDERSTAND where our Lord and Savior is coming from, a lot more than most adults I know...wow. And I get to clue them in on the devils strategies in a simple understandable child like way. I am so grateful to God for all of this and the Love and Peace that radiates from my heart. Thank you Lord.
I think about the suffering of our Lord and I beg forgiveness for my thoughts and whining arm things. That, in turn, enables me to be 100% in His care 24/7 and to also pass that along in quiet peaceful ways to others around me.
