Trying to discern

What in the hell it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm waiting on God, but I just don't know how much initiative I'm supposed to take! It's so frustrating to be in this valley. I don't feel at all welcome in this house anymore.  I don't want to allow that feeling to pervade my very life and I refuse to let it. 
I want to do something. Anything. But, I don't want to act without knowing what I'm acting on is the right thing. It seems like so much of what I do is one mistake after another. 

I truly truly know it's time for me to go. Now I just wait until the right place comes along to move to. I wouldn't mind being on my own. At least I won't have to 'creep' around hoping I don't insult anyone...or disturb anyone. I don't understand what happened to our happiness around here. Was that just one more mistake I made? Assuming there was happiness here?? Perhaps. And, I certainly do not understand not wanting to 'make a big deal' out of becoming a citizen of the United States. People have fought, died, sold their entire existences to get here to be free. Tell those folks it's 'no big deal.' Tell those Jews who escaped Germany...Happy Yom Kippor by the way...Tell Jerry who floated naked across the Rio Grande and rode in the back of a closed truck for two days it's 'no big deal.' Great. The fact that you can be making the money you make on a daily basis. Would that happen in Peru? But, it's 'no big deal.' Whatever.  I should have went to Tampa with damn Saiid when he became a citizen to witness someone receiving this special gift. He was so excited...But, now, I live with a couple of commies who think it's all for them. Whatever...

As for another huge mistake I made...I imagined, when Flor bought this house, that I'd have a home forever. I should have known better. Nobody but NOBODY gets something for nothing. Nothing handed to them. Nothing that's worth anything comes easy, does it? I guess I'm just a little, just a little, panic stricken right now being at this ridiculous age that creeped up on me, alone, newly retired and unwelcome. It's just one of those things that you think will never happen to YOU. Like your brother ripping off your mother's estate. Like never hearing from the ass again. Like being left by your mother. Like being repeatedly sexually assaulted by a family friend. Like being exhausted of self esteem. Like not being able to have a successful relationship or marriage or child rearing. Chalk it up. It all means something. 

Retirement...

So, now. Apparently, I am retired. Went through the Fresh Market debacle, and losing the unemployment because of the Fresh Market debacle, interviewed for eligibility for Carroll's SS and got it. I thought I would honor up over the VA pension, but decided that NO I am not going to do that. That damn Navy helped to kill him and for what it's worth, I lost any financial help I could've ever received from him alive and working. 
Speaking of Carroll, I miss him sometimes. I wonder how our life would've been had he 'got clean' and what and where we'd be now. Sometimes the loneliness I feel is so suffocating. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I suppose that because my life has changed once again, in a drastic way, that contributes to the feeling of loneliness. I keep wishing I had a man in my life. Just a companion. Someone to do things with. Solo sucks and my grandson just has other interests which, of course, also helps with the guilt trip I feel because I could be spending all my free time with him and helping to mold him into a good person but I seem to rather be alone. I feel like I am hiding half the time. How did I get to this place of no home of my own, no job, no man, no future excitement? That was always my whole life...and now it's gone and I must find a way to be excited about the life God has given me and to just trust Him that He does indeed have a purpose for me that has as yet been uncovered or revealed. I guess I really do have to get this arrest bullshit wrapped up in order to be truly free and then take it from there. 
So I can look down the road and have a laugh or two, here is my 'man' desire. I would love him to be tall with a full head of hair and good teeth, real or otherwise. Not like that wanna be 'biker' guy who wanted a slim girl...and had bad dentures...Ok top to bottom. Tall. 6'2 plus. Stocky or big but not fat. Full head of hair. Easy to look at. LOVES GOD. Has a happy disposition always. Rides a motorcycle. Intelligent. Likes classical music and rock and roll!! Non smoker, lite drinker, tattooed with longish hair. 
I thought I might have met a good guy on CL again. Was/is a boatbuilder, likes boats, seems to like motorcycles, but, maybe he doesn't want a big girl either although he is a big guy...Whatever.