When oh when will it all end???

The days go on and on. Same old shit, different day. Becoming accustomed to the idea that I might be out of a job shortly and I'm ok with that! Through BP's generosity, I can now safely be unemployed for a half year. As a 60 year old line cook, I'm more than ready to become unemployed forever. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm tired of holding this restaurant kitchen together and I'm burnt.

There's so much more to life that I long to experience. It seems like I'm pissed off all of the time. I don't like that. I have been unable to enjoy life for a long time. Who's fault is this??? Why mine of course...No one's responsible for my happiness but myself. If I could extract my head out of my ass and find a way to 'stay on track, ' stop trying to FIX everything and stop allowing myself to get screwed on a regular basis, all would/could be right with the world.

So, what exactly, are the stressors? Well, my brain, of course. But there's the job, the failing restaurant, the 'boyfriend,'...oh, yeah, can we talk about the boyfriend? Why, oh why, did I not listen to my own advice and KNOW you can't go back? The old boyfriend from 35 years ago is now, simply THE OLD boyfriend. One hypochondriac mishap after another...Great. I can't sleep in my new bed cause he snores. I don't go there anymore. I have no need to sleep with anyone, especially someone who snores. So, I have no 'room.' Since I'm sleeping upstairs and my room is devoid of my touches, I have no space. I suppose I could decorate and make the spare room mine, but why must I? We've already had THE discussion and I asked him to go. Six months here and I want him out. I've been alone too long. Husband dead for 7 years...I should've left well enough alone. Now, he thinks everything is fine and thinks he is staying after all but I really want him out. I am so much happier alone. So much happier. Sad, maybe and my kids think that I shouldn't be alone that things will get better, but I say NO. I really really really want to be alone. I want the room, the beautiful bedroom that I don't stay in, to be mine alone. I want to be able to watch tv in bed once again, smoke pot in my bed, watch brain death on the tv and read when I want. I have no room in my life for anyone. Men are simply one disappointment after another. Think I should've learned that one by now...I'm not interested in his family, the drama that comes with them, or the freakin' damn ass American Idol or America's got talent. What the fuck ever. I want my peace, my quiet, my serenity, my aloneness, back. Period.

So, today as I passed the Mothers helping Mothers place I wondered. There is a line two blocks long out front with what looked like mostly Mexican/Hispanic young women with small children or babies. What exactly is that place and do they need help? Why can't I be done with this royal pain in the ass kitchen job and make soap and volunteer to help others? My soap has already proven to be an excellent seller, so, why not? I am very tired also, of not having any interest in life, or reason to be hopeful. Doesn't it all come from within? If all those women are waiting for 'something' they must need help? Don't I have the where with all to help someone in need? In stead of feeling sorry for myself, why don't I put some energy into helping others? I did it before, and loved it. It was wonderfully frustrating, not angry frustrating. I accomplished something back then. I helped someone. I helped ease another human burden if only for a very short time. It felt good. Not at all like this pain in the ass job does. I want to jump out of the plane and fly once more. I'm not good with being pissed off anymore. I want to be joyous once again.