Wednesday, June 20, 2018 NYC Brooklyn.  I have seen it all here.  I have learned here. I see how we all try to just get by. I will miss this place...not so much the place, but the journey in the place. 

Just sitting on the balcony at 530 when it became cool enough with a breeze to sit outside. Having a cold beer and munching on some microwave popcorn.  I've been rubbing my hand on the arm of the chair when the thought hit me that I could hear Carroll's voice saying "just rub the wood. It won't hurt anything.  The oils on your skin is good for wood." He'd sit there rubbing that birds eye maple pipe on his hands or on his jeans.  It kept getting closer and closer to being mirrorlike...What a talented wood worker/carpenter.  Sigh.

I"m deeply thinking about leaving here.  This experience has been eye=opening.
I am watching people and families with children, ''parading'' around dressed beautifully.  They are celebrating Eid Mubarak.  The end of Ramadan.  Now, in my white girl all american jersey born and bred and bucketed up with this Brooklyn gig for the past two years, would say..."Fuck."
But, the truth is, they look beautiful and they are proudly promenading and I can see the tradition they brought with them in play, right here in Brooklyn, in front of my eyes.  I do not agree with their religious views but I sure do appreciate their commitment and feasting!
I have learned love here.  Endlessly, day by day, by my grandbabies, but also I have fallen in love with many of these people here in the hood.  I feel the love of Jesus within my heart.  I am honored to share it with any of the people I come in contact with or pass in the streets. It is most difficult at times but I can only imagine how Jesus must have felt since he had the ability to see into their hearts...I'm only guessing..., for now.
I thought of being home and being on my lanai and listening to q u i e t.  What will happen? Will I freak? Silence is deafening??????  I pray I can bring my heart felt commitment to only listen and trust God and stop being a judgmental bitch. I pray I can chill and settle peacefully back in. Maybe for the first time.
I am glad beyond that I had the experience to live in NYC.  It truly is a dream come true.  The food is amazing. The people are good, bad and really bad. Stupidity rages here. Cluelessness. And it's too damned expensive.  People shouldn't be able to jack the price of snacks at a damn zoo by three times over.  Stay cheap, sell more.  This is America for petes sake.  Haven't gotten that yet? 

Here we are, five years later!!  lol  Such a disciplined writer!  But, I want to keep track of what's going on here where apparently it will last forever. 
I have now been daily using medical marijuana for three months.  I want to report on how different I feel. 
I have completely lost the dreaded/anxious feeling.  I am also weaning myself off anti-depressives and high blood pressure medication.  I do not want to take these dangerous chemicals anymore.  Filled my life with dangerous chemicals and now in my waning years, I want to be clean.  The pot is amazing.  The difference in the quality and quantity of the weed is night and day between a dispensary and a 'guy on the street.' I figure I take 2 hits 4 times a day.  That's enough and over the long term, it has proven itself to heal in a way I wouldn't have believed possible.  Because of not using pot just to get high, and by limiting my 'hits,' I am feeling better, more confident, more peaceful and able to cope with anything that comes along. I feel alert, energetic and good.  I'm trying to eat cleanly but, of course, there are some things I just love, like that damn good bagel in the morning dripping with olive oil and coffee.  My secret pleasure.  I've definitely cut down on drinking and still am amazed when I manage to get a big buzz on and feel like poop because...why?  Why even bother?

I have a whole new attitude about smoking pot.  I am amazed that controlled usage has led to feeling so much better like I've been reading.  If you told me I would feel like this now, I wouldn't have believed it.  I guess the anti depressives are squirreling around the wrong part of my brain.  I have no problem with over drinking while taking them but with steady weed, a beer is sometimes enough.
I love the taste of the pot and the mild buzz that comes with the relief of any pain I might be dealing with.