Bonnie...This is about Bonnie. And, God, (always) 

I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle; own a motorcycle, ever since I was very young. I've gotten to ride other people's bikes and did have a Triumph Daytona that was Nick's that I rode for a short time, but, back then, God saw fit, in His impeccable wisdom, to see that I didn't have my own bike because I would've eventually killed myself on it since I thought it was just a-ok to drink like a fish when you ride! As He waits to see how you handle a little before He gives you a lot, so went the progression of becoming a true motorcycle owner. It took forever, but, the time is here and now, and I have total respect for that beautiful old bike and quite a lot more for myself! 

We bought that bike back in the Spring of '94, in Phippsburg Maine because Carroll wanted it.Thank GOD it never ran right and thank GOD Carroll never got full control over riding her on a regular basis due to the funky mechanical problems she came with. When she came to Lubec with us and the restoration began more regular, it was good to meet John at Snow Hill Garage in Appleton and have him do the really big bottom end stuff. Carroll worked on restoring her and wanted to have that wiring and the assembly of the engine and bike parts, perfect. That, in itself, helped to guarantee the integrity of Miss Bonnie as she sat over the ensuing years; Always stored inside, oiled down and wrapped up. 

There were plans, throughout those years, to get her running but the money was more of the issue in the sense of priorities. Carroll was so whimsical, (I HATE that word but it fits...) Flighty? He really had never been responsible for running any show's importance of pecking order. His OCD was programmed for pleasure without any thought of what should come first as far as running a household and keeping a family. But, with an inability to keep a job due to poor location and distance to work along with alcoholism, that bike was destined to sit. 

I owe a debt of gratitude to Walter for taking her back to Arkansas along with Miss Carolyn, since this act of kindness was the pivot point of what saved her life! Otherwise, she would've been long gone with the rest of my worldly goods that disappeared. But, she made her way to Florida and back into a renewed 'waiting period.' So, Miss Bonnie basically was waiting in the desert for forty years right alongside of me. Waiting to be reborn...

There came that time where I almost sold her away!! Poor Eddie wanted her so bad but, thank GOD, couldn't come up with the money! I am so thankful I did not let her go...

Then, the spark lit in my heart. Now, who can help? What shop will work with me? Triumph dealer, Haps, said they had nobody on staff who worked on antique bikes. What about Performance Motors?? Josh said they're a total rip off...and I allowed myself to be patient and work through concerns of who would be fit and fair to help with the resurrection of Bonnie. 

The ride 'that day,' back in the summer of '12, with my Tara. Going to find this warehouse in Whitfield park somewhere. Driving down Whitfield Ave from 301, looking for this street, and passing motorcycles parked at a shop, on the right; ARE THOSE BIKES TRIUMPHS???????????? Holy Shit!!!!!! Hello Mr. Reko!!!! Who turns out to be the mechanic Big Nick knew about but not where he had relocated. Doesn't hurt that he is a handsome guy just about my age!! The deal is struck. I will bring her to him. I told him my heart. I told him I will trust him and leave the decisions and progress of work, to him. I will pay him in chunks and he can take his time. This was a huge step in the tier of gifts and allowances from God I was blessed with to begin her resurrection; meeting Reko. 

So, off she goes in the back of Tara's truck with Josh's help to load and unload, back in August of '12. Over the course of time, I work over the winter season on the line at Ruby Tuesday with the strict dedication of working for Bonnie. I give Reko checks to continue resuscitation. I cry a lot, in the beginning, because I hate the job and I'm not real happy working with these young guys who since have turned into guys I love. I was very encouraged to continue working after becoming 'one of the guys,' and started loving the job and thanking GOD for the peace of getting to the job because all of Miss Bonnie's future days with me was riding on this. 

As her year under final restoration comes to an end, it becomes apparent to me that I must follow through the process by becoming legal and doing this whole miraculous undertaking, properly. Off I go to Motorcycle School for $175, to get that endorsement on my license and happily, I must say, learn some useful knowledge! I feel like a freakin' loser on the 'field,' but shine in the classroom. But, it's all so new. All so right now! Past quick rides and short excursions with other people's bikes, I really haven't had any real ride time under my belt! So, the realization is plain and clear. After I passed and waited another two weeks to go to motor vehicle to add the endorsement, the plan would be to absolutely learn how to ride this beautiful bike and be intelligently safe and responsible about it.  

The next hurdle to overcome was her legality. The first trip to Sarasota office was relatively simple with a simple request of the original bill of sale which I somehow KNEW I had available. But, trying to skirt around the layering of bullshit effect, the next trip was to Lakewood ranch office where a really boxed up agent multiplied the worry. Court orders??? Dead guy signature notorization?????? Then comes Monday, September the 9th, what would've been my 22 year anniversary with the guy who originally wanted the motorcycle so bad. I felt good about something good happening and went for it, back to original Sarasota office while, in the meantime, having Maine look for evidence of registration and mulling over the necessity of someone from VIN verification getting involved. BINGO! Get the VIN verified by a cop, bring the paper back and the title is yours!!! All in God's time...

Saturday, September 14th. Hungover, excited, heart palpitating...time to pick her up. Pay Reko his final. Kick and kick until Reko kicks for me. Run her around the industrial park a bit. Start smiling. Back to the shop. Talk about helmets, borrow Rekos. Time to go. Baby Bon getting restless...kick and kick. Almost dump her but DON"T. Fright moves in. Maybe I should leave her until tomorrow? Get my friend Bill to ride with me? Get 'the look' from Nick. Seriously????? What is that? FEAR????????? Get on that freakin' bike and ride her the fuck home!!! Nick starts her and off we go. Spend the time kick starting every day. Getting a little better every day. The rain stops and off I go. Take a ride to Bill''s. Manage to start her myself after several times of trying and back home. Long two hour ride the next day with Bill, who is great to ride with. I'm so thankful to have someone to ride with. The bike is awesome, she is happy with me and I with her. We are a 'team.' She is 42, I am 62. I am proud of myself and thankful to God for this gift. I am amazed and awed. And, I look forward to riding and riding and riding, with the Grace of God! 

July 2 2013

You know, it's just so damn good sometimes, that I don't write everyday. Perhaps I get to really see how assinine some of my ideas are. 
Here it is, July already. Charlie? I'm feelin' like I'm just done with that. He just pisses me off too much. Just talking with him on the phone pisses me off. I don't know why past he is not the one for me. period. Now it's time, truly time, for me to let go and trust God. That's the only way. With all of this stuff in my life that continues to feel like a bad movie. Time to turn that bad movie into something oscar worthy!! first thing to do is allow GOD to direct this life. Either I"m gonna believe or I'm not gonna believe. Moses sat in the desert for 40 years...You go through the valleys for a reason. The mountain top will come when I am ready in God's eyes for that mountain top to be climbed. 

So, work is good. I love my job and I love it that God kept me there until I realized that I love that job and the guys I work with. He puts me where He puts me and there's no way else that I'm gonna get put anywhere unless I'm supposed to be there. My boys are used to me and we have a good repoire. I'm thankful for this job because it supplies just what I need in so many ways. A couple of bucks for the summer without all the work. a destination for the weekend without working Sunday. Keeps me hoppin' and my brain working. 

Speaking of which, I've been feeling pretty good lately! Oh sure, I have aches and pains but, mentally speaking, my mind feels clear and I feel good overall. I thank God for this, as I watch the commercials endlessly on TV and praise Him that I don't have that or this or whatever everyone else seems to have. 

I hate what this world is becoming. I hate DOMA being shot down by the Supreme court. I hate the way the gays are gaining traction. BUT, I am not going to judge them. That's God's job. When this baby sitting gig is over, maybe I'll go far away to someplace wild and free and away from this crumbling civilization. 

I realize how the devil has worked to keep me in irons for so long. So very long. Like my whole freakin' life. It's gotta stop. It's gotta end now. Satan, get behind me, in the name of JESUS. It is finished. 

The Return of Charlie...

Thursday, 4/18 and the excitement is building. I'm not being stupid here...I know this is my last chance, or what I percieve as my last chance, to be with someone...to have someone, to love someone. With all my heart, I want to make this work with him. He is a good man. Kind, generous and yes, maybe a pain in the ass but so the hell am I. In a huge way...
This is a total test for me. Can I let go? Can I let go and let someone in?? I must. For myself. I must...More later. Time to go to work!
God is at work in so many parts of my life. I am happy working with Joe. And, I am enjoying the people at work. That's good...thats very good. 

Well. Now what.  In two weeks Charlie will be back for a visit. I have cojurned this visit. I have begged this visit. Now what. I have read over past posts and gagged. Seriously Lynn? And, you are the voice of compassion and reason? I am so blessed that God deals with me in any way...What a pompous bitch.
Today is a beautiful fully engaged rainy day of Spring. It has been a beautiful day. I am of course, freaking out over tomorrow being Friday already. Back to work. I hate that job. I hate the idea of that job, I think. I'd rather just be here. I'm feeling comfortable? Like it's ok I'm here??? I'd better keep on keepin' on. God is telling me to be patient and see where all this is leading. Ok. Will do. I've got the ability or the freedom, to take time off and still get paid when I work so I best be careful. I want to be the soap lady. We'll see. If  I'd get off my ass and commit, maybe we could make this happen.
Right now, I am more worried for my mental health concerning this upcoming visit. I do feel like I screwed up a good thing with Charlie but I don't know if I can open my self up enough to make it right, I want to make it right, I really do. Can I do it? I'm gonna try with all my might ...and trust God.

Listening to Van Cliburn 'Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1' on You Tube and thinking about learning of his death today. Bringing back childhood memories of falling in love with this handsome young man away back...and wishing I could play a piano like him. How I loved and love Classical music. Where ever that came from, I am thankful. 
I don't know how all this new change is going to shake out. VA catching up with me. I'm not happy about losing that pension. I know I must, but, that is a big hit. And, dealing with Charlie. Today, I swear, is the first time that I realized how right he was/is. I was so fucking cruel. I hope, I truly hope, this day, right now, that this relationship can be fixed. He is the best person/man I have in my life. I don't want to live alone or grow old alone. He could easily be my best friend. I don't know what kind of uppity bullshit I was into back when he came for the first time. This guy really did up heave his entire life to have me be a squirrly idiot. How bizarre and how unfair. 
I don't want to grow old alone. 

Love how we gotta keep changing every fucking think on this computer!! Took 5 minutes to figure out how to post a new thought!! Very fucking conducive to writing, assholes.

Anyway, now that I'm here. I must thank God and write down that I've finally enjoyed work this past weekend!! Yes, enjoyed! More or less. Let's not get too carried away...
I go to work Friday night. Always get depressed Thursday thinking ahead to Friday, but, always trying to chase that feeling away. Again, I go to work Friday night. There's this guy on the line. He seems professional, and quiet and is setting for Grill side. I figure he's a boss since everyone is working so well. Remember, there is NO gradual introduction into what's going on on the line. It's right into the fire. So, I'm enjoying this Friday night cause of this guy. What the fuck? After hearing the 'chatter' for awhile, I come to realize that this guy is the guy who was coming back from Pennsy. Well, gosh, he's at least semi close to my age, and not a' childish prankster. ' All of the sudden, the clouds have dissipated. Shut my mouth. Then, I go in Saturday at the same time as Jeffrey, telling him, of course, how glad I am that he's here, in ways I can't express, and end up working alongside Manny. Manny and Jorge are Peruvian and I share the family ties of my Flor. Well that seems to open up another really cool avenue!! Manny and I have a  ball and HUG when he leaves!! All of the sudden, I get a weekend in which I'm enjoying my job!!!!!! For real!!!! And, come tomorrow morning when I get the Ka Ching message on my phone, I must doubly thank you Abba!!!!!! For answering my prayer. And, now...on to Jeremiah...Father, open his eyes and put your word for him in my mouth. In Jesus' name. AMEN!!!! Thank you Abba Father!!!!!!xoxoxox

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate feeling un wanted here. I hate everything I can think of, except for that beautiful little baby, my son, my daughter, Ayden and the animals. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my frizzy hair, I hate how fat I am, I hate that I don't care. Hate it all. Hate, hate hate. I hate Carroll for dying, I hate meeting him, I hate Big Nick, I hate meeting him. I hate that I'm such a loser...Whatever.

My misery, created by me...

Why can't we just have a peaceful home existence? Why do I take care of this baby all day long and the first thing I hear is "Nico said you're going to get an apartment on Desoto Rd?" 
Why can't I hear, "how was the baby?" What did she do today?" Why do I have to feel so damn useless, or, should I say, useful as long as I'm performing a service...Why does everything always have to change? There is no interest in my life, and, whatever, rightfully so. I just need to let it all go. It's over. I'm alone. Get on with life. Figure it out what it is that I'm gonna do and do it.