At least I feel a little better today. Damnit, I need to get off of my tired depressed ass and take care of myself. I feel like shit, but I won't do anything about it. People find ways to take care of themselves all the time whether or not they have the money to do it. I need to go down to that Senior center and get my health care app. I am a senior, like it or not. Never really thought I'd be the one with the huge problem with aging. Then, all of the sudden, it just happened.
And, I continue to age and if I don't take care of myself, it's not gonna go well for me. I know it. I feel it.
I continue to obsess over this adoption bullshit, and my poor parenting skills. What the hell do I think is gonna happen to change that shit? I have already proven to myself that if I stay close to God, I will be peaceful and happy. But, that seems to be an issue for me as well. Just feeling like hiding away in my room and then feeling guilty for doing that. Not knowing if I'm welcome or not...
And then there's Bill. Nice guy. Has a lot of the attributes I'd like but having a problem with the ones he has that I don't like. People who spend a lot of time alone do isolate themselves, it seems, but this guy is also no too financially solvent. I do want someone to take care of me. I can't afford to spend boo coo bucks on going out. Why can't the damn guy just have a nice fat bankroll??? He's got great toys that are in perfect condition, including his house, albeit, it's in a sucky place and it's closed up like a fort...but the stuff doesn't get used. No bike ride yet. Feel uncomfortable in the truck and definitely in the house. Then he's talking about "if we were to ever move in together, I need the house to be clean." What??? What????? We've known each other for two weeks!! And, NO. I could NOT live there ever. No open windows? No pretty yard???? No way. Just looking for someone to ride on a motorcycle with me. Side by side. Not to live with. And, he's also depressed and fearful. No good for me...
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