I wish I could faithfully write every single day. I know I would feel so much more stable and even if I did. I guess I just don't feel like my life is very interesting although when I read my blogs back, I do find some interesting writing in them. So, anyway...
This house I found over a year ago, in an obscure site, and fell in love with as the house of my dreams complete with a pool and a fireplace and hopes of a loving happy existence with an old boyfriend, is no longer mine.  Well, I live here, but I am simply renting a room now. Nick and Flor have purchased this house from the landlord. Now I will move upstairs which I have NO problem with since this downstairs room is too big and too bland for me and I can no longer afford to redecorate anyway. I'll be happy up there. The kids need the big room and they need the room for the baby. So, it's all good.

I guess I"m gonna file for SS this Thursday. Go that route after well over 100 resumes have gotten no response. I'm 61. I guess I"m done according to the world's eyes. That makes me feel sad sometimes even though I know that has nothing to do with me in God's eyes. I'm lonely though. Lonely and feeling discouraged and restless. I wish with all my heart I could just be content and live life happily without a care or concern of any kind. While flipping around the SS website, I looked through the SS death index to see if folks I knew were still around or had died. You know that whole child sex abuse crap haunts me so damn much. I have forgiven the perpetrator the best I could, I try to forget about all of it, but, as a self perceived failure at most everything in life...school, relationships, marriages, and just life in general for my lack of control and focus, I found myself looking up my 'uncles' name and damned if I didn't find out that he only died just 5 years ago!!!! I guess the Jerry Sandusky thing brought all this crap back up...but five freakin' years ago!!! All those years, I could have just told someone and maybe made his life a living hell. I know, I know. God will take care of all of that and, I truly believe that. It just pisses me off and makes me sad...

I wish I had someone in my life who could deal with me. I've long given up on dealing with anyone else. I just can't do it. Isn't there someone? Anyone out there who could love me for me? Who would love to talk to me and know what makes me tick? Recognize me for the unique person I am? Apparently not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.