Started back on Prozac (put myself back on them) this past Saturday 7/4. I'm tired of the anxiety and the damn accusing bullshit voices I keep hearing. I'm free of all that thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, yet my physiological body keeps slamming me with this crap. Ergo. Prozac. I'm sure there's a good chance that my brain is semi-damaged from the nonsense of the past but I'm not gonna dwell on that. What I am going to dwell on is finding my joy and keeping it regardless of any exterior forces. So if the prozac can help me stay steady so I can continually work in that direction than so be it.
I'm approaching 70 years old and I don't want that to be an issue past what it is regarding the aching joints and the slower movements. I want to be able to ride that beautiful gift in my garage and I'll do whatever it takes to keep doing that. If I've got to wrap myself up in a giant girdle then that's what I'll do.
As far as Big Nick. I'm sorry...I've tried. When I try to initiate a conversation, it's all negativity and nasty bullshit that comes out of his mouth. I don't find any 'cuts' directed at me, funny. But, then again, I have also given this totally over to God and He knows...HE KNOWS...how I keep my mouth shut FOR HIS GLORY. No friggin' way anything for me cause I'd just as soon ream the guy a new asshole. Then again, that would be hard to do to a person who already is one. Too much reaming...He already proved his worth years ago. I can forgive 70 times 7 etc etc etc but if the person who's forgiven refuses to reach out in kindness and compassion...see ya. He's lived off of women his whole life. The $450 rent he pays doesn't come close to cutting it with what it takes to run a household. As I bust my ass around here to keep this place beautiful it pains me to see him sitting on his ass drinking beer. That's an almost 40 year memory in my face that I find most unpleasant. Never has stepped up to the plate without constant cajoling, threats or downright "see ya". So be it as well...God's got this.
Very hot and dry so far this summer. The summer of 20. The year of Covid 19. This world has nothing for me anymore. The only joy I have is in my grandkids. They are so innocent and precious. Through them I have learned about love. I only wish to see them grow up. Dance at my granddaughter's wedding!!! And Misha's too!!!
I know the drug doesn't work that fast but I'm feeling 'better' this morning! I am grateful for this. I have asked God to please help me be the person He wants me to be. That's my only prayer for now.
