Lima Peru

I just had to take a motorcycle ride the morning of our leaving for Peru. Go a whole week without a ride??? I think not...
At 3 pm, off we go to Miami for the first leg of a very long afternoon, night into the next day. Arrive at MIA.  I finally got to put a stamp on my passport that I got to go to Belize so many years ago and that never happened.  A strange place with lots of people.  Seems like everyone is trying to sell something.  Trying to make a buck any way they can.  I took a picture of an old man walking with a llama and gave him a buck.  He was excited with that American dollar!!  But, of course this is the way of the world.  Make a buck. 
I was a little uncomfortable being the only person in the household who could not speak spanish so I felt left out of everything. No bother.  Dora tried to communicate with me as we were sightseeing and I understood her enough to get by.  Saw some beautiful old architecture. Churches.  The Pacific coastline and the very cold water of the pacific.  Loved the markets.  The food markets the super markets.  The crazy driving!!  Was kind of cold and damp but it was winter?  Opposite of us below the equator.  Would I go back?  Probably not.  Maybe if I could speak spanish but I'm not interested in learning again...I found the intense poverty unnerving.  Up in the mountains...and just the way people live.  Flor's sister Milli had some nice digs...Miraflores was a pretty place.  Everyone is too short!!  lol

IF only I could get this writing thing under control...

and write on a regular basis.  I have so much to write about, so many questions/concerns on my mind among other things.  I just read a devotional about caring for your heart and one of the biggest concerns I am going through right now is the condition of my heart. I feel a depth of anger, mostly towards myself, in there.  When I fail at something or when I'm challenged by something I find that I tend to belittle myself over it. What a stupid idiot.  Why oh why do I continue to do that when I have been saved by the precious blood of Jesus and I know damn well that all that crap has been nailed to the cross?  I am so angry with this useless man in my house.  I am so angry that he failed so miserably in being a husband/help mate and loving wise father.  But, who's opinion is that?  Mine?  So there's judgement as well as anger.  If I say to myself a hundred times a day that God is in control God is in control God is in control, then I am able to experience the peace of convincing myself that God is indeed in control.  But I slip so easily.  I hate it that I get angry.  I hate it that I judge ANYTHING or anyone. As Paul said, "Why do I always do what I don't want to do yet do not do what I want to do?"  I guess he had the same problem. And, according to what I know, he was no better than me...
And, now, I struggle through this "Christmas Thing" with my son and daughter in law.  I feel so hurt that I didn't even get so much as a card...nothing.  One statement I suspect was for show.  "We forgot to bring your mother's present."  I'm trying to convince my heart that it's not the lack of a gift but rather a lack to teach a moment of generosity to my grandkids.  They are learning full well how to be consumers and not givers.  My saving grace idea in that is Sarasota Christian School which assures my heart that they are learning the most important life lessons somewhere.  The idea that you can give the kids two or three dollars and turn them loose in Dollar Tree to get something for grandma/grandpa that excites THEIR heart and teaches them generosity...but, in reality my feelings are deeply hurt at all the bullshit I've heard.  "We appreciate you for what you did for us SOOOOO much Mom.  Giving up 2 years of your life to come to NYC." We'll help you with EVERYTHING when we get home."  Shit, it was pulling teeth to get help cutting the lawn...Then 5 months of everyone here, which I loved but a slight show of appreciation with a Christmas card identifying that really would have gone far and wide.  I worry because Nick is very much like his father in so many ways and, of course, that leads me back to regret for having left him while I moved about.  Another done deal that is out of my control.  I am deeply hurt however, over this Christmas nothingness...
I am so deeply grateful my grandbabies are in SCS because they certainly are not learning any of the most important lessons for life at home.  God must come first.  Especially in this increasingly evil world. 
That's enough for now.  Thank you Lord for your endless Grace...xo