August 2, 2020.  Looks like my blogging is monthly or so...

Tonight it is a beautiful evening. Cicadas singing their hearts out. Fantastic clouds in the sky.  Wondering if this sky action is due to hurricane or tropical storm; whatever, on the east coast.  And then I got to thinking...It's August 2nd in Florida but I see signs of Autumn which as I'm used to it, kinda gently starts up North in August.  The days become mellower, stiller, more intense.  Every now and then a rust colored leaf flutters to the ground.  The color of the clouds and the sun is 'on the move.'  I, for one, look forward to dark time.  Summer in Florida is too hot but then, only the strong survive.  Every summer I consider bailing due to the heat.  It's getting harder for me to 'adjust' to but it ain't any hotter than it was back then so toughen' up gramma...I know damn well that I will never leave these babies.  It's part of making it right. I seem to be in pretty good shape, praise God, so I'll just sit this one out and learn how to keep peaceful indoors at a time when I feel I should be outdoors, but it's just too damn hot.  Period.  Deal with it gramma. 

God has granted me the most amazing 'season' (God I hate that gooey Christian Speak)  A season to me is like 3-4 months long or longer, so maybe I'm on the cusp of a big one.  At any rate thank you Lord for this peace and beauty as I sit out on the patio at sunset...WOW.  Praise God for His Grace and love...xo I'm so glad he's my Daddy...

Finding Peace...

Started back on Prozac (put myself back on them) this past Saturday 7/4.  I'm tired of the anxiety and the damn accusing bullshit voices I keep hearing.  I'm free of all that thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, yet my physiological body keeps slamming me with this crap.  Ergo. Prozac.  I'm sure there's a good chance that my brain is semi-damaged from the nonsense of the past but I'm not gonna dwell on that.  What I am going to dwell on is finding my joy and keeping it regardless of any exterior forces. So if the prozac can help me stay steady so I can continually work in that direction than so be it. 
I'm approaching 70 years old and I don't want that to be an issue past what it is regarding the aching joints and the slower movements. I want to be able to ride that beautiful gift in my garage and I'll do whatever it takes to keep doing that. If I've got to wrap myself up in a giant girdle then that's what I'll do. 
As far as Big Nick.  I'm sorry...I've tried.  When I try to initiate a conversation, it's all negativity and nasty bullshit that comes out of his mouth.  I don't find any 'cuts' directed at me, funny.  But, then again, I have also given this totally over to God and He knows...HE KNOWS...how I keep my mouth shut FOR HIS GLORY.  No friggin' way anything for me cause I'd just as soon ream the guy a new asshole.  Then again, that would be hard to do to a person who already is one.  Too much reaming...He already proved his worth years ago. I can forgive 70 times 7 etc etc etc but if the person who's forgiven refuses to reach out in kindness and compassion...see ya. He's lived off of women his whole life. The $450 rent he pays doesn't come close to cutting it with what it takes to run a household.  As I bust my ass around here to keep this place beautiful it pains me to see him sitting on his ass drinking beer.  That's an almost 40 year memory in my face that I find most unpleasant.  Never has stepped up to the plate without constant cajoling, threats or downright "see ya".  So be it as well...God's got this. 

Very hot and dry so far this summer.  The summer of 20. The year of Covid 19.  This world has nothing for me anymore.  The only joy I have is in my grandkids. They are so innocent and precious.  Through them I have learned about love.  I only wish to see them grow up. Dance at my granddaughter's wedding!!!  And Misha's too!!! 

I know the drug doesn't work that fast  but I'm feeling 'better' this morning! I am grateful for this. I have asked God to please help me be the person He wants me to be.  That's my only prayer for now.

So much to learn

I love the story of Peter meeting Jesus after the Resurrection.  How Jesus repeats 3 times, "Simon Peter. Do you love me?" Peter never gets agitated. He doesn't say "I've already told you twice Lord." He just answers His question each time. He is in true repentance. He realized what he did when he denied the Lord.  He came on like gangbusters. "Lord I will follow you to the death." Jesus, in His loving simple way, showed him his arrogance and Peter saw it.
Brother Tim talks about community. The real meaning behind "Our Father, who art in Heaven." I am so guilty of trying to keep Jesus all to myself. MY Father who art in Heaven.  I have isolated myself away from so many people.  Why?  Whatever was done is past. There lies something I'm not letting go of.  Community of people causes me anxiety. It shouldn't.  Back in the days of alcohol and parties I had no problem with a community of fools.  What is it Lord that bothers me about a community of Christians? Please show me...
Father has heaped a bunch of money on me in these desperate times. I keep adding to the 'house fund.'  I am tithing and desire to tithe more. I would like to tithe into my own church without judgement. That's what I should be doing. I have been blessed with this unbelievable motorcycle. Just amazing.  I never really thought I would do it until that "ONE" got plopped into my lap. Perhaps this will help in the discipleship and community ministry.  God's ways are not our ways and I trust Him 100%...or am I trusting myself still???? 

How can I be so arrogant? So cold...when it comes to things of The Lord? I sit here on my lanai with a good cup of coffee and listen to the quiet. The sounds of the birds; the vulture comes to the bird bath for a drink.  He is so beautiful in his ugliness and he does exactly what he was created to do.  He is young, he is cautious. He takes a drink then looks around because in his pleasure of a cool drink, danger is still lurking. Today is Earth Day. Tales of the Vienna Woods is playing in the background. I consider this earth the Lord has created and I think about how it groans yet is still so beautiful.  We are all groaning. The fallen world. Anyone who is in Christ needs to remember this is all only temporary. "Eye has not seen nor ear has heard what the Lord has in store for those who love Him..."  I am saying...Wow.  What Love.  I cannot fathom it because if I could I'd be a much better person.  I do, however, feel like I'm getting there.  It takes a little minor incident of being separated from God to know that I don't ever want to ever be separated  from Him.  I don't ever want to be out of His presence. I now understand why any kind of mind altering substances are not good for communication with the Heavenly Father along with any other kind of 'idol'.  Life is full of learning and the best part of my life is learning from my Father.  I have a Dad. I've always had a Dad and I always will have a Dad.  Thank you Jesus...

A fragmented culture vs. a traditional one...How do we live, without God, when we have struggled so hard our entire lives to pick and choose what we think is the true and only way to live; have 'hand selected' our core values depending on which way the wind (and popular culture) blows and decided, for ourselves, what is right and wrong; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, and then are faced with a disaster of a stunning magnitude that throws all that out the window.?  Where do we turn when the lights have gone out on Broadway, the red carpet has been rolled up, Wall Street is trading nothing but panic, the adoration of the stadium fans have been quieted...
Jeremiah 9 says there is something sick about how identity is formed.  Kierkegaard.
"The sickness unto death" Faith is when the self wants to be itself grounded transparently in God. Sin is trying to become a self without God and when you do that Your identity is like a king without a country or one who has subjects that can desert you at any moment. If you build your identity on any created thing, you have a radically unstable identity. If you try to get your applause, if you try to get your praise; your acclaim, that alcolade, that you're looking for, from any created thing your self image, your self regard, your self confidence is always hanging by a thread.  Always by a thread. Why?  You can never be satisfied. Your ego is never satisfied. Why do your feelings get hurt?  Outer applause never becomes permanent...it's never enough.  Every human heart is seeking a claim, a verdict, for a great performance. The problem is the performance is never over, the verdict is never in. 
There is a possibility of a 'cured identity.'  "Let him who boasts boast about this. That he understands and knows me."  God can give you that identity, filled with  that boldness, but it is not tied in anyway to your performance,  to your possessions, to your riches,  it's not tied to your anything. 
His should be the only opinion that matters...God knows you, understands you and wants you to know Him personally.  Kindness, justice and righteousness on earth through Him starting with you.
Thunderous wild praise from God.  The more you boast about Him, the more you applaud and acclaim Him for what He did for you, the more you boast about the cross, the freer you become. Then more love will you experience, then more love will you be able to share.

Christian musings...

As in Mary, to put yourself at someone's feet is to be submissive...to take time to listen to God's word. This is the story of Martha and Mary.  Martha has frenzied herself into the bottom line of blaming Jesus for her exhaustion. Mary was the only person on the face of the earth who knew that Jesus was going to die.  None of the apostles, no one else...Why?  She listened.  The apostles ran the teaching of the coming of the Messiah through a "grid." They were locked into the expectation of a certain Messiah. Mary didn't run it through the grid...she listened. She accepted it. She put it into her heart.
Jesus himself submitted to the word of God and Mary knew that. Exodus 17 is the prophecy of Jesus Christ submitting to the prophecy of God. Jesus Christ was beaten, stabbed, dealt with the worst parts of His life, He stood on the Bible.  "Thy will be done..."  If you look into the Bible and refuse to accept 'certain parts' then you do not have a living relationship with God.  In every aspect of life, if you don't disagree with a person then you have NO relationship with that person.  Let me sit at His feet...let me kiss His feet.  One day He will honor me for that and that is all I want...

2/28/20
I am so blessed. So blown away by my God.  He has always protected me when I thought he left me.  And he continues to do so.  I just almost made the 4th poorest decision in my life, once again.  This time, however, I stopped, checked my direction, took it instantly to God and waited...and now, just a few days later, I am seeing the fruits of taking that direction.  I am so pleased, so happy.  I feel so loved by the Father I have chosen to align myself with regardless of any instances of whatever sort, 100%.  Refinancing the house.  Getting cash to do some work to make my house more beautiful. Closer to my daughter.  Happier than ever.  Able to ignore The Nick.  I am so very grateful my Lord.  So very grateful...

Lima Peru

I just had to take a motorcycle ride the morning of our leaving for Peru. Go a whole week without a ride??? I think not...
At 3 pm, off we go to Miami for the first leg of a very long afternoon, night into the next day. Arrive at MIA.  I finally got to put a stamp on my passport that I got to go to Belize so many years ago and that never happened.  A strange place with lots of people.  Seems like everyone is trying to sell something.  Trying to make a buck any way they can.  I took a picture of an old man walking with a llama and gave him a buck.  He was excited with that American dollar!!  But, of course this is the way of the world.  Make a buck. 
I was a little uncomfortable being the only person in the household who could not speak spanish so I felt left out of everything. No bother.  Dora tried to communicate with me as we were sightseeing and I understood her enough to get by.  Saw some beautiful old architecture. Churches.  The Pacific coastline and the very cold water of the pacific.  Loved the markets.  The food markets the super markets.  The crazy driving!!  Was kind of cold and damp but it was winter?  Opposite of us below the equator.  Would I go back?  Probably not.  Maybe if I could speak spanish but I'm not interested in learning again...I found the intense poverty unnerving.  Up in the mountains...and just the way people live.  Flor's sister Milli had some nice digs...Miraflores was a pretty place.  Everyone is too short!!  lol

IF only I could get this writing thing under control...

and write on a regular basis.  I have so much to write about, so many questions/concerns on my mind among other things.  I just read a devotional about caring for your heart and one of the biggest concerns I am going through right now is the condition of my heart. I feel a depth of anger, mostly towards myself, in there.  When I fail at something or when I'm challenged by something I find that I tend to belittle myself over it. What a stupid idiot.  Why oh why do I continue to do that when I have been saved by the precious blood of Jesus and I know damn well that all that crap has been nailed to the cross?  I am so angry with this useless man in my house.  I am so angry that he failed so miserably in being a husband/help mate and loving wise father.  But, who's opinion is that?  Mine?  So there's judgement as well as anger.  If I say to myself a hundred times a day that God is in control God is in control God is in control, then I am able to experience the peace of convincing myself that God is indeed in control.  But I slip so easily.  I hate it that I get angry.  I hate it that I judge ANYTHING or anyone. As Paul said, "Why do I always do what I don't want to do yet do not do what I want to do?"  I guess he had the same problem. And, according to what I know, he was no better than me...
And, now, I struggle through this "Christmas Thing" with my son and daughter in law.  I feel so hurt that I didn't even get so much as a card...nothing.  One statement I suspect was for show.  "We forgot to bring your mother's present."  I'm trying to convince my heart that it's not the lack of a gift but rather a lack to teach a moment of generosity to my grandkids.  They are learning full well how to be consumers and not givers.  My saving grace idea in that is Sarasota Christian School which assures my heart that they are learning the most important life lessons somewhere.  The idea that you can give the kids two or three dollars and turn them loose in Dollar Tree to get something for grandma/grandpa that excites THEIR heart and teaches them generosity...but, in reality my feelings are deeply hurt at all the bullshit I've heard.  "We appreciate you for what you did for us SOOOOO much Mom.  Giving up 2 years of your life to come to NYC." We'll help you with EVERYTHING when we get home."  Shit, it was pulling teeth to get help cutting the lawn...Then 5 months of everyone here, which I loved but a slight show of appreciation with a Christmas card identifying that really would have gone far and wide.  I worry because Nick is very much like his father in so many ways and, of course, that leads me back to regret for having left him while I moved about.  Another done deal that is out of my control.  I am deeply hurt however, over this Christmas nothingness...
I am so deeply grateful my grandbabies are in SCS because they certainly are not learning any of the most important lessons for life at home.  God must come first.  Especially in this increasingly evil world. 
That's enough for now.  Thank you Lord for your endless Grace...xo