I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate feeling un wanted here. I hate everything I can think of, except for that beautiful little baby, my son, my daughter, Ayden and the animals. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my frizzy hair, I hate how fat I am, I hate that I don't care. Hate it all. Hate, hate hate. I hate Carroll for dying, I hate meeting him, I hate Big Nick, I hate meeting him. I hate that I'm such a loser...Whatever.

My misery, created by me...

Why can't we just have a peaceful home existence? Why do I take care of this baby all day long and the first thing I hear is "Nico said you're going to get an apartment on Desoto Rd?" 
Why can't I hear, "how was the baby?" What did she do today?" Why do I have to feel so damn useless, or, should I say, useful as long as I'm performing a service...Why does everything always have to change? There is no interest in my life, and, whatever, rightfully so. I just need to let it all go. It's over. I'm alone. Get on with life. Figure it out what it is that I'm gonna do and do it. 

Interesting, reading the first post about life on the line...Here I am, December the 7th, back on the line. I am distressed over this due to the lack of cohesion in the crew. Of course this is all due to the fact that I am the newbie here and not used to the menu, the location of product and the execution and presentation of the plates. I am feeling very discouraged over all of this. But, there are priorities here. Number one. I want that damn motorcycle on the road and I am, for all intents and purposed, out of money! But, I am done with and fully paid for, probation!!!! So, yea!!!!!
I will see this through and I will not allow myself to get so discouraged. I can do this and once I learn the ins and outs of this job, I will do it well. Enough for them to trust me...I wish for repoir and cohesiveness. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. If not, I will just wash the damn dishes!!! I really wish I could just stay home, but staying home will not get the bike on the road. That is priority. period.

There's something that's just so damn satisfying as being parked in a reclined lawn chair, slathered with #4 suntan lotion, sweating out weeks of accumulated toxins while adding some color to a fall tired body, fatigued by lack of sunshine, while watching the sun move quickly through it's southern low arc...All this while reading Jack London's short stories of life in the Yukon during the gold rush.

Damn. It's all just shit...

At least I feel a little better today. Damnit, I need to get off of my tired depressed ass and take care of myself. I feel like shit, but I won't do anything about it. People find ways to take care of themselves all the time whether or not they have the money to do it. I need to go down to that Senior center and get my health care app. I am a senior, like it or not. Never really thought I'd be the one with the huge problem with aging. Then, all of the sudden, it just happened. 
And, I continue to age and if I don't take care of myself, it's not gonna go well for me. I know it. I feel it. 
I continue to obsess over this adoption bullshit, and my poor parenting skills. What the hell do I think is gonna happen to change that shit? I have already proven to myself that if I stay close to God, I will be peaceful and happy. But, that seems to be an issue for me as well. Just feeling like hiding away in my room and then feeling guilty for doing that. Not knowing if I'm welcome or not...

And then there's Bill. Nice guy. Has a lot of the attributes I'd like but having a problem with the ones he has that I don't like. People who spend a lot of time alone do isolate themselves, it seems, but this guy is also no too financially solvent. I do want someone to take care of me. I can't afford to spend boo coo bucks on going out. Why can't the damn guy just have a nice fat bankroll??? He's got great toys that are in perfect condition, including his house, albeit, it's in a sucky place and it's closed up like a fort...but the stuff doesn't get used. No bike ride yet. Feel uncomfortable in the truck and definitely in the house. Then he's talking about "if we were to ever move in together, I need the house to be clean." What??? What????? We've known each other for two weeks!! And, NO. I could NOT live there ever. No open windows? No pretty yard???? No way. Just looking for someone to ride on a motorcycle with me. Side by side. Not to live with. And, he's also depressed and fearful. No good for me...

I want to write all this down so I have a record for anyone who may be interested in my problem with this Interlock device.
Back on 9/7, I made the mistake of eating an overripe banana before driving to the Offender Work Program at 7:00am. The car started fine. At the 5 minute retest, the alarm went off with the instruction to turn off the car. I did and five minutes later, the car started fine. I went to OWP and reported this to my probation officers on duty. I also called and informed my Probation officer assigned to 'monitor' me.
That very afternoon, I called the Interlock place and told the guy what happened. He asked me if I had drank the night before and I told him No, the car started fine. It failed at the 5 minute retest and then started fine again, 5 minutes after shutdown. He told me I couldn't come in that day. I asked about first thing Monday; no. First thing Tuesday? Please, I didn't do anything wrong other than eat a damn banana!!! I also should state that I had five days from the time of 'violation' to get the unit reset to avoid lockout. He relented and said if I could be down there within 45 minutes, he would take me in. I went, he downloaded the info and saw what I stated above was truth.  He took a statement and told me it might trigger a required appointment with traffic safety/counseling. That afternoon reset with Interlock cost me $37.50.  I did receive a letter necessitating an appointment with traffic safety. I chose to make the appointment with Manatee SCF location to avoid the Sarasota office that I had previously dealt with for my DUI school. The person in charge at Sarasota is a older man who has a perpetual 'guilty with no chance EVER of proving any innocence,' attitude. Much to my chagrin, who do I see when I show up for my appointment 10/01/2012 at SCF offices but the above man. We exchange 'pleasantries.' He asked why I was there and I told him about eating the banana. His first response is, "Sure, that can happen; especially when you peel the skin down and fill it full of vodka."
I go into the office with him and ask him about being at Manatee. He is there every Monday. I tell him what happened but he continues to attempt to put "violations" all over me. He failed to see the chain of events as to the lockout. Luckily, I brought the download printouts with me and pointed it out to him as to pass to start, fail at 5 minute rolling, and then pass to start again. He couldn't "find" that information on his papers... He has the wrong information on how long I need to have the Interlock device; ie until 2017 and it should be 2014. He corrects that.  He repeatedly brings up the DUI I received 25 years ago and, of course, my BAC from the 11/11 DUI, that I attended counseling etc.  He asks me about my drinking now. I tell him the truth in what I do. I drink imported Russian beers on Friday with my son, and will drink one or two glasses of wine occasionally with a GOOD/fine meal, not burgers or any kind of 'run of the mill' weekly quick meals. I tell him I enjoy paring a good wine with a good meal. He then asks me if I can reduce that wine to only ONE glass. Sure, why not?? Don't rock any boats here with this guy...
He writes up the 'report' of my VIOLATION of eating the banana and I read it carefully before signing to check it's accuracy. The report states that I had "one rolling fail violation and 1 rolling retest fail violation,  1 rolling retest fail violation." (This is how the report was written.) I bring this to his attention that I had NO rolling retest violations and that he had also stated that twice on the report. He then retyped the report to show 1 rolling retest fail. Period. No information on this report whatsoever, that I had eaten the aforementioned banana. He gave me a paper that shows what can 'throw' this machine which includes pizza, onions, car deodorizers including hanging 'trees,' perfume, cologne, among other things.  If I get another 'violation,' I will be forced to be 'monitored' once a month in addition to the Interlock download requirement. This appointment cost me $25.00. That's a total of $62.50 for eating a banana...Needless to say, I cannot even stand to look at a banana anymore. I should also state, that every morning I left to go into work early I ate a banana and had a cup of coffee with never a problem.
I was informed I should eat NOTHING in my car, ever, and to wash my mouth out with water anytime I go to start my car.
There. Done. Put it behind.

Trying to discern

What in the hell it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm waiting on God, but I just don't know how much initiative I'm supposed to take! It's so frustrating to be in this valley. I don't feel at all welcome in this house anymore.  I don't want to allow that feeling to pervade my very life and I refuse to let it. 
I want to do something. Anything. But, I don't want to act without knowing what I'm acting on is the right thing. It seems like so much of what I do is one mistake after another. 

I truly truly know it's time for me to go. Now I just wait until the right place comes along to move to. I wouldn't mind being on my own. At least I won't have to 'creep' around hoping I don't insult anyone...or disturb anyone. I don't understand what happened to our happiness around here. Was that just one more mistake I made? Assuming there was happiness here?? Perhaps. And, I certainly do not understand not wanting to 'make a big deal' out of becoming a citizen of the United States. People have fought, died, sold their entire existences to get here to be free. Tell those folks it's 'no big deal.' Tell those Jews who escaped Germany...Happy Yom Kippor by the way...Tell Jerry who floated naked across the Rio Grande and rode in the back of a closed truck for two days it's 'no big deal.' Great. The fact that you can be making the money you make on a daily basis. Would that happen in Peru? But, it's 'no big deal.' Whatever.  I should have went to Tampa with damn Saiid when he became a citizen to witness someone receiving this special gift. He was so excited...But, now, I live with a couple of commies who think it's all for them. Whatever...

As for another huge mistake I made...I imagined, when Flor bought this house, that I'd have a home forever. I should have known better. Nobody but NOBODY gets something for nothing. Nothing handed to them. Nothing that's worth anything comes easy, does it? I guess I'm just a little, just a little, panic stricken right now being at this ridiculous age that creeped up on me, alone, newly retired and unwelcome. It's just one of those things that you think will never happen to YOU. Like your brother ripping off your mother's estate. Like never hearing from the ass again. Like being left by your mother. Like being repeatedly sexually assaulted by a family friend. Like being exhausted of self esteem. Like not being able to have a successful relationship or marriage or child rearing. Chalk it up. It all means something.