Well, ain't that a kick in the head. On the continuing saga of THE DUI, yesterday we went for The Evaluation, with the biggest dickhead I've come across since all of this shit has gone down. Unbelievable...So, I come out of this meeting with the dickhead, and the last thing I hear is that " I really need to get that drinking problem under control." This is from the dickhead with the extreme Periodontal disease...I keep my mouth shut, like a good little girl, seething with anger...and walk out of there with lot's of desires' unsaid.

So, of course, I am determined to be in need of counseling/intervention/ whatever, and that's ok. If this dickhead had just told me the truth and saved his time and my time that you are locked into a referral if you blow more than twice the legal limit, I would've been ok with that. Once I laid awake for hours thinking about this DICKHEAD asshole, God interjected that perhaps I was wasting an awful lot of time in anger and allowing this DICKHEAD to disturb my peace. He, of course, was absolutely right, and I was able to sleep.

Upon going for my ASSESSMENT today with Betty, I was in for a pleasant surprise in dealing with a professional, warm woman who knew exactly the right questions to ask. I felt as if I could relax with her and, even though the truth was not all there, I felt peaceful with what I shared with her. And now, as I sit here reading this, and thinking, I know that, since I can AFFORD this end of the 'do it or go to jail' equation of this side of the story, I might just start talking. For once, just start talking, and see what all their learned education can come up with in my quest for peace. Stay tuned.

Oh, yeah. One more thing...for the DUI school that I must do for the next four weeks in order to stay OUT of jail????? The DICKHEAD is my instructor. Can't wait for that. God is with me. God is in control. Maybe we'll get the point of the serious periodontal disease across to him...maybe not.

O

when did I become such a cold unfeeling person? did it start from birth? Born without parents. Given up. Adopted. Why and how could I be so cold? Just watching a show on PBS about undertakers and feeling more for the people I do not know...the child...the old lady...than I did for my own. My own mother, my father, my husband. I was never with him to see him through 'the process.' I have no idea what they did to him or for him or if they were ever reverenced towards him. How could I just leave him like that? My mother. I am glad I was with her when she died. Even Carroll, when he died. To walk them both through the place to go meet with Jesus. But, then, what after? I abandoned both of them to 'just get it over with.' Enough hassle, enough pain. But, who will sit with me? Who will care when I go? Who will watch with me? ? Karma says, no one. I'll take it on my own, like everything else. This sucks.

Can I possibly? ow

Get much lower? Much more depressed than I am right now? 12/26/11. Still allowing the bullshit of the problem to percolate around my brain. I am so depressed and I am so trying to hang onto what I know is the truth. The devil is on me hard...If God doesn't give you any more than you can handle at one time, then I should be just fine. But, I think the problem, or part of my problem, is that I am allowing all of the bullshit to percolate around my brain all at the same time. Here's the facts. I am a loser. I was born a loser, I grew up a loser, I had children whom I had no idea how not to turn into losers, but who have, thankfully, prooved me wrong on that one...beauties. But, lets' continue on with me, shall we? Every fucking loser that came along, I attached myself too. Here and there, there were a couple of good guys who I certainly got rid of very quickly with no fanfare. Back to the losers. How much can a girl stand? Really???? Adopted at birth, for whatever reason besides being unwanted. Abused, beaten, sexually abused. Nice. It's all so good. It all set me up so well for a lifetime of nothing but failure. Couldn't someone, just someone, believed in me? Couldn't someone, just one person, known what was happening to me? Stop the madness??? the insanity????? And, now, here I am at 60. A fucking full blown unemployed, with no one to help me, loser of the first degreee. Can't drive, have no idea where I'm going...STILL. All these fucking years later. All these fucking years later. And, so, God has provided me to weather through this storm. Great. I really could use his arms around me and holding me and rocking me and assuring me that it really is gonna be ok, cause all I see is no license, no way to get around, tons of money to pay, and lots of tricks to do for a system that can't manage to get the bad guys... whatever. I was wrong and I will pay. More than any other person has paid. What the fuck ever. Thanks for the memories. And thanks for all the support.

What a loser I am...well, not really...

I guess I can't really say that since it will negate all the positive thinking I'm supposed to be doing...

anyway. Here we are. Today's um, not regret, but disappointment is related to cooking. My craft, my job for the past five freakin' years, and I'm thinking about it today and feeling sorry that I never got to cook with a mother or a grandmother. All these memoirs I read, all these 'old country' recipes, authors and chefs connected to someone other than themselves who taught them cooking or a love of cooking. Standing in the kitchen next to grandma, or mom; not me. I attempted cooking by myself at a very young age. I remember I was making muffins? Coffee cake??? something that required the gas oven which I obviously did not know how to light. I found that out when the damn oven blew up in my face, singing my eyebrows and torching all the hair off of my arms...Trying to make something for Mom on Mother's day without the slightest idea how to light a damn oven.

So now, in my adult life, I'm a cook, or was a cook since the fucking restaurant has gone out of business due to the gross ineptitude of the owners, and I'm feeling like I'm a cook without passion.

I find myself analyzing everything to do with every part of my life with nothing coming out of that analyzing but regret. Starting with birth and a mother who didn't want me. Then to the adoptive family where I was half of the 'rich man's family' of a boy and a girl. The boy getting all the goodies and attention and me getting brutalized by an Irish mother who thought it was acceptable to beat her children. The father who was just trying to get by and avoid any confrontation with the angry woman he married...Progress right into sexual abuse by 'Uncle Frank.' The sick pervert that my parents had no idea was molesting me on a regular basis while his son molested my adoptive brother on a regular basis, turning him into a gay blade in his adult life. But, that's a whole other story because I haven't seen or heard from brother John since the house in Nutley was sold back in 1997.

So now at the crossroads of finally being done that fucking five years of wasted time with those idiots of Rotten Ralph's and feeling like I've just divorced another loser husband, what do I do now? I'm 60 damn years old for petes sake. More line cooking? All hours of the day and night including overtime??? Let the job hunting begin.

My only saving grace in all of this is my God. I truly believe with all my heart, that my God, my Father, my Abba, will show me the way, will bless me richly when it's time to be blessed and will see me through this mess. Oh, yeah, lets' not forget the drunk driving arrest. Nice goin' Lynn...Guess you didn't know better than to sit at the freakin' restaurant I've been wanting out of for so long, and drink yourself too much rum while being in a state of exhaustion getting into a car wanting to just go home...nice goin'.

Scary but exciting...

November 15 2011. Half the damn month is over already and yet, I haven't written in 2 months on this blog. Ya think I'd just toughen up and write a little each day. but.....NO....Sigh!

Ok to the scary but exciting. We're approaching the end of Rotten Ralph's Anna Maria. I have such mixed emotions over this. I'm pissed, I'm hopeful, I'm 'concerned'. I look at my kitchen...my kitchen for the past five years of my life. Such intensity, boredom, excitement, etc . etc. that I've felt in that place that I know so well. What will happen now? Will I get a job with Sean? Should I say the hell with it and roll with the unemployment thing for awhile which I would love so much?

I'm thinking about driving to Maine. Taking the Corolla. Another big ride!!! And, why not? In the winter??? And then I could bring back what I want in the car.

I want a camera. I want to sit out on the side of the road and take pictures of that ground fog that glows in the dark. I love my ride from the island to home. I love my fields and farms. And I love my Tallevast where the capitolistic pigs thought nothing about poisoning a few negros and the land and water around them. What is happening to the cattle that are grazing on the land above the plume? What about the people in that sweet little old Florida backwoods Southern Black town. And, the people who have died? Sickening.

I'm glad I can leave this up to God. Father can take care of this Lynn thing...since no one else seems to be able to, including Lynn...

Stay tuned!!!!!!

My room...

I've been considering, really really considering, my room lately. Since Charlie's departure, I have claimed this room as mine. Only mine. I enjoy the fact that I've decorated to my taste and continue to do so; my plants, my kids pics. When you have no room in your life for a later in life relationship, you really begin to appreciate all the blessings that have been there all along but you've been 'out of tune' with. Not that I have not appreciated my home since we moved in, I just appreciate it more, with Charlie gone.

I've realized with great relief and with great gratitude, that I am a 'clean' person. Not one for sludge and crap. I also have found that I am not one for picking up after another person. I so prefer when they pick up after themselves. The kids seemed to find that page, but not my roommate. He was, however, being 'retired,' good at working on his tan and taking care of the pool. Well, the pool seems to be taking care of itself, under Nick's watchful eye, without being full of chemicals. The Jersey way. Poison everything. The weeks, the grass in the lanai blocks, the vines, the pool. Crystal clear water that feels like a chemical bath...

My entry to this blog is not complaining and not judgemental. It is merely a 'purging' of all things NOT me. I think it's long overdue that I find out who Lynn is and welcome my comfort and my comfortable surroundings, and my very own little family. I thank God for my blessings each and every day. Thank you my Father. Thank you for keeping the 'trial' period short. Thank you for removing the scale off of my eyes.

My little anteroom, off my beautiful bedroom, is now my writing spot and a wonderful writing spot it is!! In moving from the dining room table to here, I am now facing our lush green yard full of deep shades of green of every hue. My view is the banana palms and the Sago palm and the Sweet potato vines and the trees, critters, my pool and my future plan of a hot tub just outside this door. First, I must figure out my screen system for these doors in order to bring the fall and winter in once the a/c goes off.

My room is my tranquil spot, my respite from the outside, my place of peace. It is the most beautiful room I've ever had, although every single one of my rooms throughout all these years, has been beautiful in their own right. I loved my first little attic apartment way back in '70, and have loved every space since. I've always been generous in sharing 'my space' with lovers, but once they left, it was back to mine. Husbands were a different story. They tended to not go away very easily, although I eventually managed to drive them all away in one form or another. Or is it that they managed to drive me away in one form or another????

In my room, there is a large tiled bathroom with two sinks and lots of cabinet space! There is a big tub in the 'water closet' portion of the bathroom. And, a fixed toilet. I imagine there is a problem with seating a toilet on 18'' tile flooring. I am working on my 'tropical' theme. And, everything is c l e a n. No sludge, no filth, no scale, no stuck shit in the toilet. Clean.

My walk in closet is the best. For the first time in my life, my clothes are neatly piled, hung and very accessible and easy to find. The closet is big enough to comfortably change in although that is no longer an issue for me.

I am determined to not see my blessings this time around. As time goes by and as I get older, everything will become more precious to me and everything that is not beneficial to me will fall by the wayside. I am thankful. My Abba blesses me.

The end of Charlie

I am amazed at how I can change so quickly. For the past several years I've been thinking of how lonely I feel. Feeling lonely being alone; looking at couples everywhere and feeling alone. Being the 'third wheel' with Nick and Flor; me, always alone. And then, as always, I start 'looking' on the internet for an old flame or a new one. Got a new one a couple of years back who obviously was only interested in the sex and that's not what I thought I wanted so that ended. Still feeling lonely and alone, I search the internet and one day find Charlie. The Charlie I remembered, the hot, sexy long haired rebel, is now 61, Ok, so we've all aged. But, the hot sexy long haired rebel is now a hypochondriac, fearful; full of drama and New Jersey co dependent with his family. Well, maybe we can get through this.

We move in together February 2011 after he leaves his wife, sells his condo and moves down to Florida. All's well for the first couple of weeks then the mistakes start happening. Tara's tax return, Flor's tax return, inability to fix anything to last. Whining, drama-ing, family phone calls constantly, fearing everything from raccoons to kids on trampolines...Uh oh. Then, I find that I'm not happy coming home nor do I want to come home. I'm not dealing well with the snoring, so I move upstairs. I can't stand the constant 'I'm right always" attitude and I really can't stand the 'family' visit in April. So, I think, too many years alone with no one. Can't mix it up as a couple. Never danced once. Not once. I hear about this Mambo thing and I never dance once. Sigh. Told I have got to stop howling with the animals while drunk. I think not. I've been howling for years since living on 22 acres of Maine land.. I don't want to eat lamb for Easter, but, must cause that's what Momma used to make. Phone calls, phone calls, new problems, old problems. This guy is too old for me. This is not...my Charlie. Too many prescription drugs, too many ailments. Please get me out of this. Still feeling like I have no home since none of it is mine. I say I'll try, but I can't get over the pissed off constant feeling in my deepest gut. I turn to God. I leave it to Him to fix and fix it He does. Charlie leaves a note that he came to Florida to be with me and not be a roommate so he's going to live with his brother, the imitable Jimmy the porn freak, and I have to wonder if he's planning on porking him because to me that's what would NOT constitute being a roommate. One can only wonder. And, now, here we are, two weeks later, and after the saving shot in the back NOT working anymore, he's coming back to see the doctor on the 31st. I find this out from Nick through Rick. Am I expected to 'put him up' when he comes back? Sure, no problem, but, guess what, you're sleeping upstairs in the guest room because YOUR room is now MY room and I'm very very happy over that.

I feel like this guy was trying to 'absorb' my life and my world. Take over anything that appeared to be mine and make it all his. My cat, Noodle, the pool, the house...I knew it wouldn't work back at Easter time. I knew it wouldn't work when he fucked up the tax return. You're supposed to be a tax preparer and you fuck them up royally????? Unacceptable. Am I too 'picky?' Am I now destined to be alone forever because I can't bend and adapt? I really don't care anymore. I'll stay alone, with God, and my family. There's nothing more important to me now. We started out this 'new' revived relationship with a lie once again...shades of Athena/Linda. And, yes, theres that stupid bitch facebook status thing. Can't reveal a relationship because maybe Linda will not keep up the health insurance. Not that I have insurance or ever will in the interim...yeah, definitely begrudged. I can't stand the American Idol, I can't stand the music, I can't stand the constant diet of fat and pizza, and I realized I really couldn't much stand Charlie. So much for old flames...