Three days in...Sept 14, 2021

I am amazed at the difference in me.  So far so good.  I take one capsule in the morning, suck on a lozenge in the afternoon and smoke some good flower at bedtime and I've been a different person.  Calmer, gentler, clearer.  I'm happy about this.  I'm happy I've figured a 'routine' out that keeps my days calm. This has been a lifelong struggle to find that balance and calm.  God is my anchor.  He anchors my heart and my mind to Him regardless but it sure would be nice to be able to enjoy this gift of life a little easier and with full joy, as it should be. And, for that, I am grateful...

Medical Marijuana journey

 I finally decided I was done with anxiety, depression and annoying nerve pain so I called...MedRxDoctors.  Process went smoothly without any bumps.  Paid $245 to them, $70 to Florida health dept.  Had a face to face with Dr. Thrasher this past Wednesday September 8th 2021. Cool guy.  Slammed the C-4 diagnosis right on and told me there is help to ease that pain. I was excited.  I was also tired of just buying pot so I could sleep, not ever knowing what strain you're getting or how it was grown, hopefully free of garbage fertilizers.  So, with the State of Florida, quality and purity are high on the list.  I wanted relief not just being stoned. I want to learn how to use what's available to control my own health. I have descended strictly into the Marijuana for health route and want to discover every part of this miraculous plant that has been stymied for so long due to the greed and corruption of the Pharmaceutical industry.  I got tired of bringing an issue or complaint to the primary physician only to have them write scripts for powerful medicine I don't want to take. 

So, here we are.  I went for my first dispensary visit yesterday.  Although I've been there before, now that it was for me, I felt like a kid in a candy store.  My girl was knowledgeable and was well versed in following the doctor's suggestions of what might work best for me.  We talked about what might be the best delivery method for me and I settled on trying a transdermal patch, getting a jug of 10 count losenzes and an eighth of top shelf indica flower for sleep.  Oh, and the capsules.  The capsules...I took ONE after leaving Muv and came home to mow the lawn.  I mowed the entire lawn with NO pain.  Yes, it was hot.  Yes, I took breaks but NO pain!!!  I was pretty thrilled over that!  I took another one this morning.  I am really loving the calm easy feel of me.  I am not high.  Just relaxed and comfortable.  Means the world to me.  

I'm tired of 'self-medicating' Let's see how we can manage this now.  

 

 August 10th.  First day of school.  

I was never a fan of the end of summer and kids back to school thing...and now it's with my grandkids.  I wish they were still in SCS but Flor's point was a good one.  They are still elementary at this age.  When the kids reach middle school and high school, that's where the "bad eggs" (If there is such a thing with children and NOT with the parents that raise them...) appear.  So, the best and ultimate best I can do is cling them to Jesus.  

End of baby week...end of summer vacation...

 Coming to an end of a week long stay with my Grands.  I already am starting to cry even though Summer is NOT yet over and we still have a week left to spend together.  

I love these kids so much...Even the challenges are welcome as they are ways for me to learn how to respond and handle adversity in a controlled manner.  I don't always do so well.  I lose patience and become frustrated but always 'check myself' quickly and apologize for my craziness...Babies appreciate that and me.  And I them, for that and for so much more.  The entertainment they provide is amazing.  They are so precious and so spontaneous and so much fun!!  I'm so thankful and grateful that I've had this time to spend with them.  I am so grateful and so thankful that I can freely spend this time with them without any worries and we make everything so much fun regardless!!!  

Bowling has been a blast and we will continue on with Gramma joining the fun shortly now that I'm under the care of so many professionals working to relieve my nerve pain so I can 'carry on' with some normalcy.  As long as I'm in good enough condition to make my time and effort work with the kids I'm all set...

So, here...Friday.  July 30th.  Our last weekend of July and the beginning of a new month.  I don't know what the future will bring but I will meet it with expectation and excitement!!  As long as that future includes these kids and my family, I AM ALL SET.  

I hope God knows my heart in all of this since He has put all of this in there Himself...I love you Father and I thank you for this blessing...

Here we are...almost a year later.

Here we are.  Almost a year later and what a friggin trip it's been.  The country has descended into a chaotic liberal fascist garbage state that feels like we're holding on by a string.  Who knows what the fake news is feeding you?  BOTH SIDES. Liars, thieves, and other assorted dead souls.  If you don't have God these days?  You. Have. Nothing.  Good luck.  Get a clue.  Get God.  Live and be free...

I have come to the end of a month with my babies and I cannot...cannot...thank God enough for this experience.  I love these kids with all my not-understanding-the-depth-of-this-love heart.  My patience level is mesmerizing.  Our communication is simply amazing...I talk more about God with these guys who UNDERSTAND where our Lord and Savior is coming from, a lot more than most adults I know...wow.  And I get to clue them in on the devils strategies in a simple understandable child like way. I am so grateful to God for all of this and the Love and Peace that radiates from my heart.  Thank you Lord.  

I think about the suffering of our Lord and I beg forgiveness for my thoughts and whining arm things.  That, in turn, enables me to be 100% in His care 24/7 and to also pass that along in quiet peaceful ways to others around me.

August 2, 2020.  Looks like my blogging is monthly or so...

Tonight it is a beautiful evening. Cicadas singing their hearts out. Fantastic clouds in the sky.  Wondering if this sky action is due to hurricane or tropical storm; whatever, on the east coast.  And then I got to thinking...It's August 2nd in Florida but I see signs of Autumn which as I'm used to it, kinda gently starts up North in August.  The days become mellower, stiller, more intense.  Every now and then a rust colored leaf flutters to the ground.  The color of the clouds and the sun is 'on the move.'  I, for one, look forward to dark time.  Summer in Florida is too hot but then, only the strong survive.  Every summer I consider bailing due to the heat.  It's getting harder for me to 'adjust' to but it ain't any hotter than it was back then so toughen' up gramma...I know damn well that I will never leave these babies.  It's part of making it right. I seem to be in pretty good shape, praise God, so I'll just sit this one out and learn how to keep peaceful indoors at a time when I feel I should be outdoors, but it's just too damn hot.  Period.  Deal with it gramma. 

God has granted me the most amazing 'season' (God I hate that gooey Christian Speak)  A season to me is like 3-4 months long or longer, so maybe I'm on the cusp of a big one.  At any rate thank you Lord for this peace and beauty as I sit out on the patio at sunset...WOW.  Praise God for His Grace and love...xo I'm so glad he's my Daddy...

Finding Peace...

Started back on Prozac (put myself back on them) this past Saturday 7/4.  I'm tired of the anxiety and the damn accusing bullshit voices I keep hearing.  I'm free of all that thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, yet my physiological body keeps slamming me with this crap.  Ergo. Prozac.  I'm sure there's a good chance that my brain is semi-damaged from the nonsense of the past but I'm not gonna dwell on that.  What I am going to dwell on is finding my joy and keeping it regardless of any exterior forces. So if the prozac can help me stay steady so I can continually work in that direction than so be it. 
I'm approaching 70 years old and I don't want that to be an issue past what it is regarding the aching joints and the slower movements. I want to be able to ride that beautiful gift in my garage and I'll do whatever it takes to keep doing that. If I've got to wrap myself up in a giant girdle then that's what I'll do. 
As far as Big Nick.  I'm sorry...I've tried.  When I try to initiate a conversation, it's all negativity and nasty bullshit that comes out of his mouth.  I don't find any 'cuts' directed at me, funny.  But, then again, I have also given this totally over to God and He knows...HE KNOWS...how I keep my mouth shut FOR HIS GLORY.  No friggin' way anything for me cause I'd just as soon ream the guy a new asshole.  Then again, that would be hard to do to a person who already is one.  Too much reaming...He already proved his worth years ago. I can forgive 70 times 7 etc etc etc but if the person who's forgiven refuses to reach out in kindness and compassion...see ya. He's lived off of women his whole life. The $450 rent he pays doesn't come close to cutting it with what it takes to run a household.  As I bust my ass around here to keep this place beautiful it pains me to see him sitting on his ass drinking beer.  That's an almost 40 year memory in my face that I find most unpleasant.  Never has stepped up to the plate without constant cajoling, threats or downright "see ya".  So be it as well...God's got this. 

Very hot and dry so far this summer.  The summer of 20. The year of Covid 19.  This world has nothing for me anymore.  The only joy I have is in my grandkids. They are so innocent and precious.  Through them I have learned about love.  I only wish to see them grow up. Dance at my granddaughter's wedding!!!  And Misha's too!!! 

I know the drug doesn't work that fast  but I'm feeling 'better' this morning! I am grateful for this. I have asked God to please help me be the person He wants me to be.  That's my only prayer for now.