Christian musings...

As in Mary, to put yourself at someone's feet is to be submissive...to take time to listen to God's word. This is the story of Martha and Mary.  Martha has frenzied herself into the bottom line of blaming Jesus for her exhaustion. Mary was the only person on the face of the earth who knew that Jesus was going to die.  None of the apostles, no one else...Why?  She listened.  The apostles ran the teaching of the coming of the Messiah through a "grid." They were locked into the expectation of a certain Messiah. Mary didn't run it through the grid...she listened. She accepted it. She put it into her heart.
Jesus himself submitted to the word of God and Mary knew that. Exodus 17 is the prophecy of Jesus Christ submitting to the prophecy of God. Jesus Christ was beaten, stabbed, dealt with the worst parts of His life, He stood on the Bible.  "Thy will be done..."  If you look into the Bible and refuse to accept 'certain parts' then you do not have a living relationship with God.  In every aspect of life, if you don't disagree with a person then you have NO relationship with that person.  Let me sit at His feet...let me kiss His feet.  One day He will honor me for that and that is all I want...

2/28/20
I am so blessed. So blown away by my God.  He has always protected me when I thought he left me.  And he continues to do so.  I just almost made the 4th poorest decision in my life, once again.  This time, however, I stopped, checked my direction, took it instantly to God and waited...and now, just a few days later, I am seeing the fruits of taking that direction.  I am so pleased, so happy.  I feel so loved by the Father I have chosen to align myself with regardless of any instances of whatever sort, 100%.  Refinancing the house.  Getting cash to do some work to make my house more beautiful. Closer to my daughter.  Happier than ever.  Able to ignore The Nick.  I am so very grateful my Lord.  So very grateful...

Lima Peru

I just had to take a motorcycle ride the morning of our leaving for Peru. Go a whole week without a ride??? I think not...
At 3 pm, off we go to Miami for the first leg of a very long afternoon, night into the next day. Arrive at MIA.  I finally got to put a stamp on my passport that I got to go to Belize so many years ago and that never happened.  A strange place with lots of people.  Seems like everyone is trying to sell something.  Trying to make a buck any way they can.  I took a picture of an old man walking with a llama and gave him a buck.  He was excited with that American dollar!!  But, of course this is the way of the world.  Make a buck. 
I was a little uncomfortable being the only person in the household who could not speak spanish so I felt left out of everything. No bother.  Dora tried to communicate with me as we were sightseeing and I understood her enough to get by.  Saw some beautiful old architecture. Churches.  The Pacific coastline and the very cold water of the pacific.  Loved the markets.  The food markets the super markets.  The crazy driving!!  Was kind of cold and damp but it was winter?  Opposite of us below the equator.  Would I go back?  Probably not.  Maybe if I could speak spanish but I'm not interested in learning again...I found the intense poverty unnerving.  Up in the mountains...and just the way people live.  Flor's sister Milli had some nice digs...Miraflores was a pretty place.  Everyone is too short!!  lol

IF only I could get this writing thing under control...

and write on a regular basis.  I have so much to write about, so many questions/concerns on my mind among other things.  I just read a devotional about caring for your heart and one of the biggest concerns I am going through right now is the condition of my heart. I feel a depth of anger, mostly towards myself, in there.  When I fail at something or when I'm challenged by something I find that I tend to belittle myself over it. What a stupid idiot.  Why oh why do I continue to do that when I have been saved by the precious blood of Jesus and I know damn well that all that crap has been nailed to the cross?  I am so angry with this useless man in my house.  I am so angry that he failed so miserably in being a husband/help mate and loving wise father.  But, who's opinion is that?  Mine?  So there's judgement as well as anger.  If I say to myself a hundred times a day that God is in control God is in control God is in control, then I am able to experience the peace of convincing myself that God is indeed in control.  But I slip so easily.  I hate it that I get angry.  I hate it that I judge ANYTHING or anyone. As Paul said, "Why do I always do what I don't want to do yet do not do what I want to do?"  I guess he had the same problem. And, according to what I know, he was no better than me...
And, now, I struggle through this "Christmas Thing" with my son and daughter in law.  I feel so hurt that I didn't even get so much as a card...nothing.  One statement I suspect was for show.  "We forgot to bring your mother's present."  I'm trying to convince my heart that it's not the lack of a gift but rather a lack to teach a moment of generosity to my grandkids.  They are learning full well how to be consumers and not givers.  My saving grace idea in that is Sarasota Christian School which assures my heart that they are learning the most important life lessons somewhere.  The idea that you can give the kids two or three dollars and turn them loose in Dollar Tree to get something for grandma/grandpa that excites THEIR heart and teaches them generosity...but, in reality my feelings are deeply hurt at all the bullshit I've heard.  "We appreciate you for what you did for us SOOOOO much Mom.  Giving up 2 years of your life to come to NYC." We'll help you with EVERYTHING when we get home."  Shit, it was pulling teeth to get help cutting the lawn...Then 5 months of everyone here, which I loved but a slight show of appreciation with a Christmas card identifying that really would have gone far and wide.  I worry because Nick is very much like his father in so many ways and, of course, that leads me back to regret for having left him while I moved about.  Another done deal that is out of my control.  I am deeply hurt however, over this Christmas nothingness...
I am so deeply grateful my grandbabies are in SCS because they certainly are not learning any of the most important lessons for life at home.  God must come first.  Especially in this increasingly evil world. 
That's enough for now.  Thank you Lord for your endless Grace...xo 

Wednesday, June 20, 2018 NYC Brooklyn.  I have seen it all here.  I have learned here. I see how we all try to just get by. I will miss this place...not so much the place, but the journey in the place. 

Just sitting on the balcony at 530 when it became cool enough with a breeze to sit outside. Having a cold beer and munching on some microwave popcorn.  I've been rubbing my hand on the arm of the chair when the thought hit me that I could hear Carroll's voice saying "just rub the wood. It won't hurt anything.  The oils on your skin is good for wood." He'd sit there rubbing that birds eye maple pipe on his hands or on his jeans.  It kept getting closer and closer to being mirrorlike...What a talented wood worker/carpenter.  Sigh.

I"m deeply thinking about leaving here.  This experience has been eye=opening.
I am watching people and families with children, ''parading'' around dressed beautifully.  They are celebrating Eid Mubarak.  The end of Ramadan.  Now, in my white girl all american jersey born and bred and bucketed up with this Brooklyn gig for the past two years, would say..."Fuck."
But, the truth is, they look beautiful and they are proudly promenading and I can see the tradition they brought with them in play, right here in Brooklyn, in front of my eyes.  I do not agree with their religious views but I sure do appreciate their commitment and feasting!
I have learned love here.  Endlessly, day by day, by my grandbabies, but also I have fallen in love with many of these people here in the hood.  I feel the love of Jesus within my heart.  I am honored to share it with any of the people I come in contact with or pass in the streets. It is most difficult at times but I can only imagine how Jesus must have felt since he had the ability to see into their hearts...I'm only guessing..., for now.
I thought of being home and being on my lanai and listening to q u i e t.  What will happen? Will I freak? Silence is deafening??????  I pray I can bring my heart felt commitment to only listen and trust God and stop being a judgmental bitch. I pray I can chill and settle peacefully back in. Maybe for the first time.
I am glad beyond that I had the experience to live in NYC.  It truly is a dream come true.  The food is amazing. The people are good, bad and really bad. Stupidity rages here. Cluelessness. And it's too damned expensive.  People shouldn't be able to jack the price of snacks at a damn zoo by three times over.  Stay cheap, sell more.  This is America for petes sake.  Haven't gotten that yet? 

Here we are, five years later!!  lol  Such a disciplined writer!  But, I want to keep track of what's going on here where apparently it will last forever. 
I have now been daily using medical marijuana for three months.  I want to report on how different I feel. 
I have completely lost the dreaded/anxious feeling.  I am also weaning myself off anti-depressives and high blood pressure medication.  I do not want to take these dangerous chemicals anymore.  Filled my life with dangerous chemicals and now in my waning years, I want to be clean.  The pot is amazing.  The difference in the quality and quantity of the weed is night and day between a dispensary and a 'guy on the street.' I figure I take 2 hits 4 times a day.  That's enough and over the long term, it has proven itself to heal in a way I wouldn't have believed possible.  Because of not using pot just to get high, and by limiting my 'hits,' I am feeling better, more confident, more peaceful and able to cope with anything that comes along. I feel alert, energetic and good.  I'm trying to eat cleanly but, of course, there are some things I just love, like that damn good bagel in the morning dripping with olive oil and coffee.  My secret pleasure.  I've definitely cut down on drinking and still am amazed when I manage to get a big buzz on and feel like poop because...why?  Why even bother?

I have a whole new attitude about smoking pot.  I am amazed that controlled usage has led to feeling so much better like I've been reading.  If you told me I would feel like this now, I wouldn't have believed it.  I guess the anti depressives are squirreling around the wrong part of my brain.  I have no problem with over drinking while taking them but with steady weed, a beer is sometimes enough.
I love the taste of the pot and the mild buzz that comes with the relief of any pain I might be dealing with.