July 2 2013

You know, it's just so damn good sometimes, that I don't write everyday. Perhaps I get to really see how assinine some of my ideas are. 
Here it is, July already. Charlie? I'm feelin' like I'm just done with that. He just pisses me off too much. Just talking with him on the phone pisses me off. I don't know why past he is not the one for me. period. Now it's time, truly time, for me to let go and trust God. That's the only way. With all of this stuff in my life that continues to feel like a bad movie. Time to turn that bad movie into something oscar worthy!! first thing to do is allow GOD to direct this life. Either I"m gonna believe or I'm not gonna believe. Moses sat in the desert for 40 years...You go through the valleys for a reason. The mountain top will come when I am ready in God's eyes for that mountain top to be climbed. 

So, work is good. I love my job and I love it that God kept me there until I realized that I love that job and the guys I work with. He puts me where He puts me and there's no way else that I'm gonna get put anywhere unless I'm supposed to be there. My boys are used to me and we have a good repoire. I'm thankful for this job because it supplies just what I need in so many ways. A couple of bucks for the summer without all the work. a destination for the weekend without working Sunday. Keeps me hoppin' and my brain working. 

Speaking of which, I've been feeling pretty good lately! Oh sure, I have aches and pains but, mentally speaking, my mind feels clear and I feel good overall. I thank God for this, as I watch the commercials endlessly on TV and praise Him that I don't have that or this or whatever everyone else seems to have. 

I hate what this world is becoming. I hate DOMA being shot down by the Supreme court. I hate the way the gays are gaining traction. BUT, I am not going to judge them. That's God's job. When this baby sitting gig is over, maybe I'll go far away to someplace wild and free and away from this crumbling civilization. 

I realize how the devil has worked to keep me in irons for so long. So very long. Like my whole freakin' life. It's gotta stop. It's gotta end now. Satan, get behind me, in the name of JESUS. It is finished. 

The Return of Charlie...

Thursday, 4/18 and the excitement is building. I'm not being stupid here...I know this is my last chance, or what I percieve as my last chance, to be with someone...to have someone, to love someone. With all my heart, I want to make this work with him. He is a good man. Kind, generous and yes, maybe a pain in the ass but so the hell am I. In a huge way...
This is a total test for me. Can I let go? Can I let go and let someone in?? I must. For myself. I must...More later. Time to go to work!
God is at work in so many parts of my life. I am happy working with Joe. And, I am enjoying the people at work. That's good...thats very good. 

Well. Now what.  In two weeks Charlie will be back for a visit. I have cojurned this visit. I have begged this visit. Now what. I have read over past posts and gagged. Seriously Lynn? And, you are the voice of compassion and reason? I am so blessed that God deals with me in any way...What a pompous bitch.
Today is a beautiful fully engaged rainy day of Spring. It has been a beautiful day. I am of course, freaking out over tomorrow being Friday already. Back to work. I hate that job. I hate the idea of that job, I think. I'd rather just be here. I'm feeling comfortable? Like it's ok I'm here??? I'd better keep on keepin' on. God is telling me to be patient and see where all this is leading. Ok. Will do. I've got the ability or the freedom, to take time off and still get paid when I work so I best be careful. I want to be the soap lady. We'll see. If  I'd get off my ass and commit, maybe we could make this happen.
Right now, I am more worried for my mental health concerning this upcoming visit. I do feel like I screwed up a good thing with Charlie but I don't know if I can open my self up enough to make it right, I want to make it right, I really do. Can I do it? I'm gonna try with all my might ...and trust God.

Listening to Van Cliburn 'Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1' on You Tube and thinking about learning of his death today. Bringing back childhood memories of falling in love with this handsome young man away back...and wishing I could play a piano like him. How I loved and love Classical music. Where ever that came from, I am thankful. 
I don't know how all this new change is going to shake out. VA catching up with me. I'm not happy about losing that pension. I know I must, but, that is a big hit. And, dealing with Charlie. Today, I swear, is the first time that I realized how right he was/is. I was so fucking cruel. I hope, I truly hope, this day, right now, that this relationship can be fixed. He is the best person/man I have in my life. I don't want to live alone or grow old alone. He could easily be my best friend. I don't know what kind of uppity bullshit I was into back when he came for the first time. This guy really did up heave his entire life to have me be a squirrly idiot. How bizarre and how unfair. 
I don't want to grow old alone. 

Love how we gotta keep changing every fucking think on this computer!! Took 5 minutes to figure out how to post a new thought!! Very fucking conducive to writing, assholes.

Anyway, now that I'm here. I must thank God and write down that I've finally enjoyed work this past weekend!! Yes, enjoyed! More or less. Let's not get too carried away...
I go to work Friday night. Always get depressed Thursday thinking ahead to Friday, but, always trying to chase that feeling away. Again, I go to work Friday night. There's this guy on the line. He seems professional, and quiet and is setting for Grill side. I figure he's a boss since everyone is working so well. Remember, there is NO gradual introduction into what's going on on the line. It's right into the fire. So, I'm enjoying this Friday night cause of this guy. What the fuck? After hearing the 'chatter' for awhile, I come to realize that this guy is the guy who was coming back from Pennsy. Well, gosh, he's at least semi close to my age, and not a' childish prankster. ' All of the sudden, the clouds have dissipated. Shut my mouth. Then, I go in Saturday at the same time as Jeffrey, telling him, of course, how glad I am that he's here, in ways I can't express, and end up working alongside Manny. Manny and Jorge are Peruvian and I share the family ties of my Flor. Well that seems to open up another really cool avenue!! Manny and I have a  ball and HUG when he leaves!! All of the sudden, I get a weekend in which I'm enjoying my job!!!!!! For real!!!! And, come tomorrow morning when I get the Ka Ching message on my phone, I must doubly thank you Abba!!!!!! For answering my prayer. And, now...on to Jeremiah...Father, open his eyes and put your word for him in my mouth. In Jesus' name. AMEN!!!! Thank you Abba Father!!!!!!xoxoxox

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate feeling un wanted here. I hate everything I can think of, except for that beautiful little baby, my son, my daughter, Ayden and the animals. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my frizzy hair, I hate how fat I am, I hate that I don't care. Hate it all. Hate, hate hate. I hate Carroll for dying, I hate meeting him, I hate Big Nick, I hate meeting him. I hate that I'm such a loser...Whatever.

My misery, created by me...

Why can't we just have a peaceful home existence? Why do I take care of this baby all day long and the first thing I hear is "Nico said you're going to get an apartment on Desoto Rd?" 
Why can't I hear, "how was the baby?" What did she do today?" Why do I have to feel so damn useless, or, should I say, useful as long as I'm performing a service...Why does everything always have to change? There is no interest in my life, and, whatever, rightfully so. I just need to let it all go. It's over. I'm alone. Get on with life. Figure it out what it is that I'm gonna do and do it.