Love how we gotta keep changing every fucking think on this computer!! Took 5 minutes to figure out how to post a new thought!! Very fucking conducive to writing, assholes.
Anyway, now that I'm here. I must thank God and write down that I've finally enjoyed work this past weekend!! Yes, enjoyed! More or less. Let's not get too carried away...
I go to work Friday night. Always get depressed Thursday thinking ahead to Friday, but, always trying to chase that feeling away. Again, I go to work Friday night. There's this guy on the line. He seems professional, and quiet and is setting for Grill side. I figure he's a boss since everyone is working so well. Remember, there is NO gradual introduction into what's going on on the line. It's right into the fire. So, I'm enjoying this Friday night cause of this guy. What the fuck? After hearing the 'chatter' for awhile, I come to realize that this guy is the guy who was coming back from Pennsy. Well, gosh, he's at least semi close to my age, and not a' childish prankster. ' All of the sudden, the clouds have dissipated. Shut my mouth. Then, I go in Saturday at the same time as Jeffrey, telling him, of course, how glad I am that he's here, in ways I can't express, and end up working alongside Manny. Manny and Jorge are Peruvian and I share the family ties of my Flor. Well that seems to open up another really cool avenue!! Manny and I have a ball and HUG when he leaves!! All of the sudden, I get a weekend in which I'm enjoying my job!!!!!! For real!!!! And, come tomorrow morning when I get the Ka Ching message on my phone, I must doubly thank you Abba!!!!!! For answering my prayer. And, now...on to Jeremiah...Father, open his eyes and put your word for him in my mouth. In Jesus' name. AMEN!!!! Thank you Abba Father!!!!!!xoxoxox
Monday, February 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate feeling un wanted here. I hate everything I can think of, except for that beautiful little baby, my son, my daughter, Ayden and the animals. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my frizzy hair, I hate how fat I am, I hate that I don't care. Hate it all. Hate, hate hate. I hate Carroll for dying, I hate meeting him, I hate Big Nick, I hate meeting him. I hate that I'm such a loser...Whatever.
My misery, created by me...
Why can't we just have a peaceful home existence? Why do I take care of this baby all day long and the first thing I hear is "Nico said you're going to get an apartment on Desoto Rd?"
Why can't I hear, "how was the baby?" What did she do today?" Why do I have to feel so damn useless, or, should I say, useful as long as I'm performing a service...Why does everything always have to change? There is no interest in my life, and, whatever, rightfully so. I just need to let it all go. It's over. I'm alone. Get on with life. Figure it out what it is that I'm gonna do and do it.
Why can't I hear, "how was the baby?" What did she do today?" Why do I have to feel so damn useless, or, should I say, useful as long as I'm performing a service...Why does everything always have to change? There is no interest in my life, and, whatever, rightfully so. I just need to let it all go. It's over. I'm alone. Get on with life. Figure it out what it is that I'm gonna do and do it.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Interesting, reading the first post about life on the line...Here I am, December the 7th, back on the line. I am distressed over this due to the lack of cohesion in the crew. Of course this is all due to the fact that I am the newbie here and not used to the menu, the location of product and the execution and presentation of the plates. I am feeling very discouraged over all of this. But, there are priorities here. Number one. I want that damn motorcycle on the road and I am, for all intents and purposed, out of money! But, I am done with and fully paid for, probation!!!! So, yea!!!!!
I will see this through and I will not allow myself to get so discouraged. I can do this and once I learn the ins and outs of this job, I will do it well. Enough for them to trust me...I wish for repoir and cohesiveness. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. If not, I will just wash the damn dishes!!! I really wish I could just stay home, but staying home will not get the bike on the road. That is priority. period.
I will see this through and I will not allow myself to get so discouraged. I can do this and once I learn the ins and outs of this job, I will do it well. Enough for them to trust me...I wish for repoir and cohesiveness. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. If not, I will just wash the damn dishes!!! I really wish I could just stay home, but staying home will not get the bike on the road. That is priority. period.
There's something that's just so damn satisfying as being parked in a reclined lawn chair, slathered with #4 suntan lotion, sweating out weeks of accumulated toxins while adding some color to a fall tired body, fatigued by lack of sunshine, while watching the sun move quickly through it's southern low arc...All this while reading Jack London's short stories of life in the Yukon during the gold rush.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Damn. It's all just shit...
At least I feel a little better today. Damnit, I need to get off of my tired depressed ass and take care of myself. I feel like shit, but I won't do anything about it. People find ways to take care of themselves all the time whether or not they have the money to do it. I need to go down to that Senior center and get my health care app. I am a senior, like it or not. Never really thought I'd be the one with the huge problem with aging. Then, all of the sudden, it just happened.
And, I continue to age and if I don't take care of myself, it's not gonna go well for me. I know it. I feel it.
I continue to obsess over this adoption bullshit, and my poor parenting skills. What the hell do I think is gonna happen to change that shit? I have already proven to myself that if I stay close to God, I will be peaceful and happy. But, that seems to be an issue for me as well. Just feeling like hiding away in my room and then feeling guilty for doing that. Not knowing if I'm welcome or not...
And then there's Bill. Nice guy. Has a lot of the attributes I'd like but having a problem with the ones he has that I don't like. People who spend a lot of time alone do isolate themselves, it seems, but this guy is also no too financially solvent. I do want someone to take care of me. I can't afford to spend boo coo bucks on going out. Why can't the damn guy just have a nice fat bankroll??? He's got great toys that are in perfect condition, including his house, albeit, it's in a sucky place and it's closed up like a fort...but the stuff doesn't get used. No bike ride yet. Feel uncomfortable in the truck and definitely in the house. Then he's talking about "if we were to ever move in together, I need the house to be clean." What??? What????? We've known each other for two weeks!! And, NO. I could NOT live there ever. No open windows? No pretty yard???? No way. Just looking for someone to ride on a motorcycle with me. Side by side. Not to live with. And, he's also depressed and fearful. No good for me...
And, I continue to age and if I don't take care of myself, it's not gonna go well for me. I know it. I feel it.
I continue to obsess over this adoption bullshit, and my poor parenting skills. What the hell do I think is gonna happen to change that shit? I have already proven to myself that if I stay close to God, I will be peaceful and happy. But, that seems to be an issue for me as well. Just feeling like hiding away in my room and then feeling guilty for doing that. Not knowing if I'm welcome or not...
And then there's Bill. Nice guy. Has a lot of the attributes I'd like but having a problem with the ones he has that I don't like. People who spend a lot of time alone do isolate themselves, it seems, but this guy is also no too financially solvent. I do want someone to take care of me. I can't afford to spend boo coo bucks on going out. Why can't the damn guy just have a nice fat bankroll??? He's got great toys that are in perfect condition, including his house, albeit, it's in a sucky place and it's closed up like a fort...but the stuff doesn't get used. No bike ride yet. Feel uncomfortable in the truck and definitely in the house. Then he's talking about "if we were to ever move in together, I need the house to be clean." What??? What????? We've known each other for two weeks!! And, NO. I could NOT live there ever. No open windows? No pretty yard???? No way. Just looking for someone to ride on a motorcycle with me. Side by side. Not to live with. And, he's also depressed and fearful. No good for me...
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I want to write all this down so I have a record for anyone who may be interested in my problem with this Interlock device.
Back on 9/7, I made the mistake of eating an overripe banana before driving to the Offender Work Program at 7:00am. The car started fine. At the 5 minute retest, the alarm went off with the instruction to turn off the car. I did and five minutes later, the car started fine. I went to OWP and reported this to my probation officers on duty. I also called and informed my Probation officer assigned to 'monitor' me.
That very afternoon, I called the Interlock place and told the guy what happened. He asked me if I had drank the night before and I told him No, the car started fine. It failed at the 5 minute retest and then started fine again, 5 minutes after shutdown. He told me I couldn't come in that day. I asked about first thing Monday; no. First thing Tuesday? Please, I didn't do anything wrong other than eat a damn banana!!! I also should state that I had five days from the time of 'violation' to get the unit reset to avoid lockout. He relented and said if I could be down there within 45 minutes, he would take me in. I went, he downloaded the info and saw what I stated above was truth. He took a statement and told me it might trigger a required appointment with traffic safety/counseling. That afternoon reset with Interlock cost me $37.50. I did receive a letter necessitating an appointment with traffic safety. I chose to make the appointment with Manatee SCF location to avoid the Sarasota office that I had previously dealt with for my DUI school. The person in charge at Sarasota is a older man who has a perpetual 'guilty with no chance EVER of proving any innocence,' attitude. Much to my chagrin, who do I see when I show up for my appointment 10/01/2012 at SCF offices but the above man. We exchange 'pleasantries.' He asked why I was there and I told him about eating the banana. His first response is, "Sure, that can happen; especially when you peel the skin down and fill it full of vodka."
I go into the office with him and ask him about being at Manatee. He is there every Monday. I tell him what happened but he continues to attempt to put "violations" all over me. He failed to see the chain of events as to the lockout. Luckily, I brought the download printouts with me and pointed it out to him as to pass to start, fail at 5 minute rolling, and then pass to start again. He couldn't "find" that information on his papers... He has the wrong information on how long I need to have the Interlock device; ie until 2017 and it should be 2014. He corrects that. He repeatedly brings up the DUI I received 25 years ago and, of course, my BAC from the 11/11 DUI, that I attended counseling etc. He asks me about my drinking now. I tell him the truth in what I do. I drink imported Russian beers on Friday with my son, and will drink one or two glasses of wine occasionally with a GOOD/fine meal, not burgers or any kind of 'run of the mill' weekly quick meals. I tell him I enjoy paring a good wine with a good meal. He then asks me if I can reduce that wine to only ONE glass. Sure, why not?? Don't rock any boats here with this guy...
He writes up the 'report' of my VIOLATION of eating the banana and I read it carefully before signing to check it's accuracy. The report states that I had "one rolling fail violation and 1 rolling retest fail violation, 1 rolling retest fail violation." (This is how the report was written.) I bring this to his attention that I had NO rolling retest violations and that he had also stated that twice on the report. He then retyped the report to show 1 rolling retest fail. Period. No information on this report whatsoever, that I had eaten the aforementioned banana. He gave me a paper that shows what can 'throw' this machine which includes pizza, onions, car deodorizers including hanging 'trees,' perfume, cologne, among other things. If I get another 'violation,' I will be forced to be 'monitored' once a month in addition to the Interlock download requirement. This appointment cost me $25.00. That's a total of $62.50 for eating a banana...Needless to say, I cannot even stand to look at a banana anymore. I should also state, that every morning I left to go into work early I ate a banana and had a cup of coffee with never a problem.
I was informed I should eat NOTHING in my car, ever, and to wash my mouth out with water anytime I go to start my car.
There. Done. Put it behind.
Back on 9/7, I made the mistake of eating an overripe banana before driving to the Offender Work Program at 7:00am. The car started fine. At the 5 minute retest, the alarm went off with the instruction to turn off the car. I did and five minutes later, the car started fine. I went to OWP and reported this to my probation officers on duty. I also called and informed my Probation officer assigned to 'monitor' me.
That very afternoon, I called the Interlock place and told the guy what happened. He asked me if I had drank the night before and I told him No, the car started fine. It failed at the 5 minute retest and then started fine again, 5 minutes after shutdown. He told me I couldn't come in that day. I asked about first thing Monday; no. First thing Tuesday? Please, I didn't do anything wrong other than eat a damn banana!!! I also should state that I had five days from the time of 'violation' to get the unit reset to avoid lockout. He relented and said if I could be down there within 45 minutes, he would take me in. I went, he downloaded the info and saw what I stated above was truth. He took a statement and told me it might trigger a required appointment with traffic safety/counseling. That afternoon reset with Interlock cost me $37.50. I did receive a letter necessitating an appointment with traffic safety. I chose to make the appointment with Manatee SCF location to avoid the Sarasota office that I had previously dealt with for my DUI school. The person in charge at Sarasota is a older man who has a perpetual 'guilty with no chance EVER of proving any innocence,' attitude. Much to my chagrin, who do I see when I show up for my appointment 10/01/2012 at SCF offices but the above man. We exchange 'pleasantries.' He asked why I was there and I told him about eating the banana. His first response is, "Sure, that can happen; especially when you peel the skin down and fill it full of vodka."
I go into the office with him and ask him about being at Manatee. He is there every Monday. I tell him what happened but he continues to attempt to put "violations" all over me. He failed to see the chain of events as to the lockout. Luckily, I brought the download printouts with me and pointed it out to him as to pass to start, fail at 5 minute rolling, and then pass to start again. He couldn't "find" that information on his papers... He has the wrong information on how long I need to have the Interlock device; ie until 2017 and it should be 2014. He corrects that. He repeatedly brings up the DUI I received 25 years ago and, of course, my BAC from the 11/11 DUI, that I attended counseling etc. He asks me about my drinking now. I tell him the truth in what I do. I drink imported Russian beers on Friday with my son, and will drink one or two glasses of wine occasionally with a GOOD/fine meal, not burgers or any kind of 'run of the mill' weekly quick meals. I tell him I enjoy paring a good wine with a good meal. He then asks me if I can reduce that wine to only ONE glass. Sure, why not?? Don't rock any boats here with this guy...
He writes up the 'report' of my VIOLATION of eating the banana and I read it carefully before signing to check it's accuracy. The report states that I had "one rolling fail violation and 1 rolling retest fail violation, 1 rolling retest fail violation." (This is how the report was written.) I bring this to his attention that I had NO rolling retest violations and that he had also stated that twice on the report. He then retyped the report to show 1 rolling retest fail. Period. No information on this report whatsoever, that I had eaten the aforementioned banana. He gave me a paper that shows what can 'throw' this machine which includes pizza, onions, car deodorizers including hanging 'trees,' perfume, cologne, among other things. If I get another 'violation,' I will be forced to be 'monitored' once a month in addition to the Interlock download requirement. This appointment cost me $25.00. That's a total of $62.50 for eating a banana...Needless to say, I cannot even stand to look at a banana anymore. I should also state, that every morning I left to go into work early I ate a banana and had a cup of coffee with never a problem.
I was informed I should eat NOTHING in my car, ever, and to wash my mouth out with water anytime I go to start my car.
There. Done. Put it behind.
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