Jesus Loves You

Jesus Loves You: Amen. This day, 7/12 God answered prayer for a new home for Tara, Ayden and Josh. What a mind blowing Abba I have!!! Thank you my Father!!!!

'via Blog this'

I wish I could faithfully write every single day. I know I would feel so much more stable and even if I did. I guess I just don't feel like my life is very interesting although when I read my blogs back, I do find some interesting writing in them. So, anyway...
This house I found over a year ago, in an obscure site, and fell in love with as the house of my dreams complete with a pool and a fireplace and hopes of a loving happy existence with an old boyfriend, is no longer mine.  Well, I live here, but I am simply renting a room now. Nick and Flor have purchased this house from the landlord. Now I will move upstairs which I have NO problem with since this downstairs room is too big and too bland for me and I can no longer afford to redecorate anyway. I'll be happy up there. The kids need the big room and they need the room for the baby. So, it's all good.

I guess I"m gonna file for SS this Thursday. Go that route after well over 100 resumes have gotten no response. I'm 61. I guess I"m done according to the world's eyes. That makes me feel sad sometimes even though I know that has nothing to do with me in God's eyes. I'm lonely though. Lonely and feeling discouraged and restless. I wish with all my heart I could just be content and live life happily without a care or concern of any kind. While flipping around the SS website, I looked through the SS death index to see if folks I knew were still around or had died. You know that whole child sex abuse crap haunts me so damn much. I have forgiven the perpetrator the best I could, I try to forget about all of it, but, as a self perceived failure at most everything in life...school, relationships, marriages, and just life in general for my lack of control and focus, I found myself looking up my 'uncles' name and damned if I didn't find out that he only died just 5 years ago!!!! I guess the Jerry Sandusky thing brought all this crap back up...but five freakin' years ago!!! All those years, I could have just told someone and maybe made his life a living hell. I know, I know. God will take care of all of that and, I truly believe that. It just pisses me off and makes me sad...

I wish I had someone in my life who could deal with me. I've long given up on dealing with anyone else. I just can't do it. Isn't there someone? Anyone out there who could love me for me? Who would love to talk to me and know what makes me tick? Recognize me for the unique person I am? Apparently not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 

Well, ain't that a kick in the head. On the continuing saga of THE DUI, yesterday we went for The Evaluation, with the biggest dickhead I've come across since all of this shit has gone down. Unbelievable...So, I come out of this meeting with the dickhead, and the last thing I hear is that " I really need to get that drinking problem under control." This is from the dickhead with the extreme Periodontal disease...I keep my mouth shut, like a good little girl, seething with anger...and walk out of there with lot's of desires' unsaid.

So, of course, I am determined to be in need of counseling/intervention/ whatever, and that's ok. If this dickhead had just told me the truth and saved his time and my time that you are locked into a referral if you blow more than twice the legal limit, I would've been ok with that. Once I laid awake for hours thinking about this DICKHEAD asshole, God interjected that perhaps I was wasting an awful lot of time in anger and allowing this DICKHEAD to disturb my peace. He, of course, was absolutely right, and I was able to sleep.

Upon going for my ASSESSMENT today with Betty, I was in for a pleasant surprise in dealing with a professional, warm woman who knew exactly the right questions to ask. I felt as if I could relax with her and, even though the truth was not all there, I felt peaceful with what I shared with her. And now, as I sit here reading this, and thinking, I know that, since I can AFFORD this end of the 'do it or go to jail' equation of this side of the story, I might just start talking. For once, just start talking, and see what all their learned education can come up with in my quest for peace. Stay tuned.

Oh, yeah. One more thing...for the DUI school that I must do for the next four weeks in order to stay OUT of jail????? The DICKHEAD is my instructor. Can't wait for that. God is with me. God is in control. Maybe we'll get the point of the serious periodontal disease across to him...maybe not.

O

when did I become such a cold unfeeling person? did it start from birth? Born without parents. Given up. Adopted. Why and how could I be so cold? Just watching a show on PBS about undertakers and feeling more for the people I do not know...the child...the old lady...than I did for my own. My own mother, my father, my husband. I was never with him to see him through 'the process.' I have no idea what they did to him or for him or if they were ever reverenced towards him. How could I just leave him like that? My mother. I am glad I was with her when she died. Even Carroll, when he died. To walk them both through the place to go meet with Jesus. But, then, what after? I abandoned both of them to 'just get it over with.' Enough hassle, enough pain. But, who will sit with me? Who will care when I go? Who will watch with me? ? Karma says, no one. I'll take it on my own, like everything else. This sucks.

Can I possibly? ow

Get much lower? Much more depressed than I am right now? 12/26/11. Still allowing the bullshit of the problem to percolate around my brain. I am so depressed and I am so trying to hang onto what I know is the truth. The devil is on me hard...If God doesn't give you any more than you can handle at one time, then I should be just fine. But, I think the problem, or part of my problem, is that I am allowing all of the bullshit to percolate around my brain all at the same time. Here's the facts. I am a loser. I was born a loser, I grew up a loser, I had children whom I had no idea how not to turn into losers, but who have, thankfully, prooved me wrong on that one...beauties. But, lets' continue on with me, shall we? Every fucking loser that came along, I attached myself too. Here and there, there were a couple of good guys who I certainly got rid of very quickly with no fanfare. Back to the losers. How much can a girl stand? Really???? Adopted at birth, for whatever reason besides being unwanted. Abused, beaten, sexually abused. Nice. It's all so good. It all set me up so well for a lifetime of nothing but failure. Couldn't someone, just someone, believed in me? Couldn't someone, just one person, known what was happening to me? Stop the madness??? the insanity????? And, now, here I am at 60. A fucking full blown unemployed, with no one to help me, loser of the first degreee. Can't drive, have no idea where I'm going...STILL. All these fucking years later. All these fucking years later. And, so, God has provided me to weather through this storm. Great. I really could use his arms around me and holding me and rocking me and assuring me that it really is gonna be ok, cause all I see is no license, no way to get around, tons of money to pay, and lots of tricks to do for a system that can't manage to get the bad guys... whatever. I was wrong and I will pay. More than any other person has paid. What the fuck ever. Thanks for the memories. And thanks for all the support.

What a loser I am...well, not really...

I guess I can't really say that since it will negate all the positive thinking I'm supposed to be doing...

anyway. Here we are. Today's um, not regret, but disappointment is related to cooking. My craft, my job for the past five freakin' years, and I'm thinking about it today and feeling sorry that I never got to cook with a mother or a grandmother. All these memoirs I read, all these 'old country' recipes, authors and chefs connected to someone other than themselves who taught them cooking or a love of cooking. Standing in the kitchen next to grandma, or mom; not me. I attempted cooking by myself at a very young age. I remember I was making muffins? Coffee cake??? something that required the gas oven which I obviously did not know how to light. I found that out when the damn oven blew up in my face, singing my eyebrows and torching all the hair off of my arms...Trying to make something for Mom on Mother's day without the slightest idea how to light a damn oven.

So now, in my adult life, I'm a cook, or was a cook since the fucking restaurant has gone out of business due to the gross ineptitude of the owners, and I'm feeling like I'm a cook without passion.

I find myself analyzing everything to do with every part of my life with nothing coming out of that analyzing but regret. Starting with birth and a mother who didn't want me. Then to the adoptive family where I was half of the 'rich man's family' of a boy and a girl. The boy getting all the goodies and attention and me getting brutalized by an Irish mother who thought it was acceptable to beat her children. The father who was just trying to get by and avoid any confrontation with the angry woman he married...Progress right into sexual abuse by 'Uncle Frank.' The sick pervert that my parents had no idea was molesting me on a regular basis while his son molested my adoptive brother on a regular basis, turning him into a gay blade in his adult life. But, that's a whole other story because I haven't seen or heard from brother John since the house in Nutley was sold back in 1997.

So now at the crossroads of finally being done that fucking five years of wasted time with those idiots of Rotten Ralph's and feeling like I've just divorced another loser husband, what do I do now? I'm 60 damn years old for petes sake. More line cooking? All hours of the day and night including overtime??? Let the job hunting begin.

My only saving grace in all of this is my God. I truly believe with all my heart, that my God, my Father, my Abba, will show me the way, will bless me richly when it's time to be blessed and will see me through this mess. Oh, yeah, lets' not forget the drunk driving arrest. Nice goin' Lynn...Guess you didn't know better than to sit at the freakin' restaurant I've been wanting out of for so long, and drink yourself too much rum while being in a state of exhaustion getting into a car wanting to just go home...nice goin'.

Scary but exciting...

November 15 2011. Half the damn month is over already and yet, I haven't written in 2 months on this blog. Ya think I'd just toughen up and write a little each day. but.....NO....Sigh!

Ok to the scary but exciting. We're approaching the end of Rotten Ralph's Anna Maria. I have such mixed emotions over this. I'm pissed, I'm hopeful, I'm 'concerned'. I look at my kitchen...my kitchen for the past five years of my life. Such intensity, boredom, excitement, etc . etc. that I've felt in that place that I know so well. What will happen now? Will I get a job with Sean? Should I say the hell with it and roll with the unemployment thing for awhile which I would love so much?

I'm thinking about driving to Maine. Taking the Corolla. Another big ride!!! And, why not? In the winter??? And then I could bring back what I want in the car.

I want a camera. I want to sit out on the side of the road and take pictures of that ground fog that glows in the dark. I love my ride from the island to home. I love my fields and farms. And I love my Tallevast where the capitolistic pigs thought nothing about poisoning a few negros and the land and water around them. What is happening to the cattle that are grazing on the land above the plume? What about the people in that sweet little old Florida backwoods Southern Black town. And, the people who have died? Sickening.

I'm glad I can leave this up to God. Father can take care of this Lynn thing...since no one else seems to be able to, including Lynn...

Stay tuned!!!!!!